Rambling about Nintendo: the WiiU to the switch, Zelda Breath Of The Wild, etc.

Its not really a secret that I'm a huge fan of Nintendo. I LOVE THEM! So today since the Nintendo E3 conference was last night I'm going to write about my love for this company. This is going to be a very ramble filled post so if that's not what you want top read then I suggest you stop reading. This is NOT  a review.

So admittedly recently they haven't been on top form, the WiiU was a flop, lets be honest. I personally didn't get one until Christmas 2015 and even then I bought it as a gift for my boyfriend. It did have some fairly good games released for it though. ZombiU was a fairly good game if slightly confusing at times, we have yet to finish it because it often gets just too hard at times. Yoshi's woolly world was an adorable adventure although due to it being aimed at a younger audience it was a bit too easy at times. Overall I think the game choice for the WiiU was decent but at the same it lacked a lot. the fact that it didn't even get its own Zelda game until the switch brought it breath of the wild really said something. Even then it kind of felt like a sorry gift for people who bought the WiiU and expected way m,ore from it, like "we're sorry we didn't do well with this. Here's Zelda."

The idea of the WiiU was really clever in my option. having the game pad being touch screen and being able to play it on the TV could have been amazing had they done it a little better. as far as I can tell a lot of games didn't really make enough use of this feature. They did in a way learn from their mistakes with the switch, using a touch screen and giving it the ability to play both in handheld mode and the TV.

Lets be honest though. The switch is REALLY GREAT. The combination of both handheld and TV gaming is amazing. Handheld mode is surprisingly comfortable despite the size of the console and the graphics OH BOY THE GRAPHICS ARE GORGEOUS. People talk a lot about Breath Of The Wild being a beautiful game and they are not wrong. The world design is stunning, the character design is perfection, and the game play is wonderful. One thing to note about this is that it doesn't follow the typical Zelda game formula and is much more reminiscent of other open world RPGs such as Skyrim (which is also coming out for the switch and I'm STOKED), this doesn't take away from the game at all. It still follows a similar story line to all other Zelda games, it just goes about it in a new, exciting way. The only tiny small issue I have with this game is the difficulty. Normally I find Zelda games really hard. I will admit that I have never finished a Zelda game. I know. Shocking. But this game just seems a little bit too easy to me. Maybe I've somehow become much better at games, guess I should bring Phantom Hourglass back out and try out my new found Zelda skills. I just hope that paying for the DLC that adds hard mode is worth it. There are some aspects of the game that are hard, just not the bosses, the things you expect to be hard.

As for the future of the switch, I think its going to do well. Judging by the titles already being announced I think the switch is going to continue to sell and sell well. Mario Odyssey looks amazing ans with a release date for the end of October I expect a lot of kids (and adults) will be asking for it for Christmas. At first I thought Mario Odyssey looked weird and way too different from all other Mario games to work. But the more I see of it, the more convinced I am. The inde games being released also look amazing. Overall I think the games will make the switch go far.

Maybe I'm biased because I just really love Nintendo. What do you think?
Thanks for reading!

Patent Pending U.K. Spring Break Tour 2017: A Review.

Oh look another Patent Pending post! This year instead of just gushing over how much I appreciate them like I did last year I'm going to actually review the tour. So here we go, a (probably majorly biased) review/recap of Patent Pending's 2017 U.K. Spring break tour!

Just like last year my boyfriend and I went to Leeds and Manchester as these are our closest shows, however this year I bought myself a VIP ticket to Leeds. Here I will be reviewing and gushing over the VIP experience, the support acts, the set list, and the show overall!

Leeds VIP:
I know its easy enough to meet and talk to the band without it but honestly, I highly recommend getting VIP if you can. we were let into the venue just over an hour before everyone else, which in itself is great since its often pretty gosh darn cold outside! Now I was on my own and I was pretty anxious, I had so much going through my head and for some reason I had convinced myself that the band would hate me and I would be so upset (the reality is far from this but anxiety sucks). While we were standing around waiting for the band to come out the loveliest girl in the world started talking to me and introduced me to the lovely people she was with, and honestly I have never been so grateful, they were all so nice! Joe said he was proud of us for making friends and reminded me that "you're never alone at a Patent Pending show", something I will never forget for the rest of my life. If I had to review the Second Family they would get a 10/10 from me!
Then came the acoustic performance, they performed 3 songs, Spin Me Around, Stacey, and Second Family. All 3 were great and filled with the usual level of Patent Pending brand banter that you would expect from any other show. Including the introduction to Wonderwall (I can't help shouting "Do Wonderwall!"at literally anyone with a guitar...).
After that we all got to take group photos with the band! Anyone who has ever tried to take a photo of or with me will know I'm really bad at this and usually just do something stupid but since this was my first VIP I wanted to have at least one nice full band photo before I inevitably get VIP to the next tour and take a bunch of stupid photos! I think its pretty cute!

While waiting for everyone to take their group photos we were all given a free signed tour poster and a Patent Pending key ring (which was just a badge in a key ring, I thought this was hilarious to be honest!). There was a little wait before we could have a chat with the band members so I ended up talking to the lead singer of Eternal Boy who was so sweet and easy to talk to! So were the rest of the band, I wrote them all "Thank you" cards and they were so happy with them.
I would highly recommend paying for the VIP even though it is easy enough to meet the band anyway, it is just a truly a unique experience that you should have at least once!

Support acts:
At the two concerts I went to the support acts were Sweet Little Machine followed by Eternal Boy.
Sweet Little Machine were great but I personally didn't feel much of a connection with their music, even though they are from Yorkshire and they played pop punk! They played a good set with lots of parts where the crowd could pick up the words and also gave away free downloads of their EP which is always great!
I have to admit that Eternal Boy were my favorite out of the two! They played very generic pop punk, think Blink-182 and Sum 41. I felt a huge connection with their music which is one of the main things I love in a band, if I don't like them live it really puts me off them. They also played a cover of Whats My Age Again, we all love a good pop punk sing along! Their jokes and banter were similar to that of Patent Pending which is also something I love in a band, I like bad jokes!
Set list and show:
Set lists are so important to a good show and as always Patent Pending NAILED IT! Part of the reason for this is that their set lists are different every show. Obviously there are somethings that don't change such as their encore of Brighter and Douchebag, and always including songs like One Less Heart To Break and Hey Mario.
Another thing that should never be taken out of a Patent Pending show is my favourite sport in the world, Crowd Swimming! For anyone who has never been to a show I will explain what this is, it takes place during Psycho In Love and is basically a competition between Joe and someone else, either from the band or one of the support acts, to see who can "swim" on the crowd from the back of the venue to the front. First person with both feet on the stage wins! Now I'm not a sporty person but honestly the rush I get from this event is crazy! It's always a good feeling when whoever was on your side wins! And also quite hilarious when Joe loses!
A great addition to the set was the songs from their new album Other People's Greatest Hits, which is exactly what it sounds like, an album of other peoples hits! They also did a little medley of old songs which was really nice since it included the first Patent Pending song I ever heard, The Way You Make Me Shake.
As always there were lots of bad jokes, hand gestures, pirate hooks, and crowd surfing and of course it was very hot. But big shout out to the key club in Leeds for fitting fans! You really saved our lives! Manchester was as sweaty as ever and honestly it really adds to the experience, the amount of sweat is a measurement of the amount of fun you had! Or something...
The only issue I had with the show was the lack of Anti-everything. I know they don't do it every date but come on guys! Do it for at least one of those two shows! Its mine and my boyfriend's favourite!
But really, I had the best time and I have nothing but love for this band.

Overall I would say this years tour was even better than last, if that's even possible! Everything about it was amazing and I would highly recommend anyone reading this should see this band live at least once, trust me, you'll want to do it a million times! Even if you have no one else to go with, go on your own because you're never alone at a Patent Pending show.

We’ve all been living life in fear of doing something that we believe in. 
The time has come to believe in yourself. believe in your friends. 
Find something that you love and spread it like wildfire. 
There is such a thing as a perfect world but without each other it does not exist. 
There is such a thing as happiness and this is it. 

Make sure you check out all of the bands mentioned here if you haven't already; Eternal Boy, Sweet Little Machine, and of course Patent Pending.

Thank you so much for reading! Make sure you check out my other posts and share this one with your friends!

Life Choices: Am I doing the right thing?

As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.

Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.

Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.

Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.

I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.

Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...

Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.

But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...

If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.

2016 Year Review.

It's that time of year again. Time to look back on my year and reflect on the good, the not so good, and everything in between. This is my second year doing a post like this and I can't wait to share my memories, and how well I stuck to my resolutions with you. As with last year I will be following up with a New years resolutions post for 2017. I hope you enjoy reading! Thank you.

The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.

Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!

Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.

As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.

My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.

Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!

My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.

Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.

Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away.  I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.

As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.

My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.

Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!

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Onesies Downunder, ABDL Marketplace, and Little For Big review/comparison

I have been buying a lot of ABDL gear recently and I wanted to review it all. So instead of writing 3 separate reviews, I have decided to write one review and compare the 3. I will be reviewing the onesies from Onesies Downunder, ABDL marketplace, and little for big, and the pacifiers from Onesies Downunder, and Little For Big. All opinions in this post are my own, I paid for all of these products myself and I am not getting paid for writing this review, nor am I affiliated with any of these companies.

The first order I placed was with Onesies Downunder. I purchased the space snap crotch onesie in size medium and the pink adult pacifier. The order took a little while to get here, but that was to be expected considering it came all the way from Australia to England. I had to pay a custom fee when it came to my door which was a little bit annoying but there's nothing they can do about that. It was all packaged very well. The print on the onesie is gorgeous, althouigh not as bright and vivid as it appears in pictures, and the pacifier is super cute. However the onesie is too small for my liking. I bought the size I would usually buy in tshirts but it was a lot tighter than I was expecting, the poppers actually undo when I have a diaper under it. This is my fault though so if I do buy another I will get a bigger size. The pacifier is the perfect size and the teat is nice and firm and fits perfectly in my mouth, although these can really be purchased anywhere so there is really no need for me to have them shipped from the other side of the world. The onesie was £24.15 not including shipping, which was also quite expensive, and conversion fees. I probably wouldn't have paid this price if a similar onesie was available for a lower price and I didn't have 10% off. Overall I don't think I'll order anything from Onesies Downunder again unless I really really want one of their exclusive prints (which is likely haha).

The second order I placed was with ABDL Marketplace. I purchased the woodland creatures snap crotch onesie in large and a dotty the pony diaper (which I will not be reviewing here). The customer service was amazing and the order got to me exceptionally quickly. the packaging was super good, very discrete. The print on the onesie is so adorable and it fits just how I wanted it to, big enough to fit a super thick diaper under it. The poppers are secure and don't come undone when I have a diaper under it. The onesie was £16.99 plus shipping which was also quite cheap. I think this is a very reasonable price. Overall I would have to say this one is my favourite, I will definitely be getting more onesies from them and probably all of my other ABDL things. They're lovely people running a wonderful store.

The final order was with Little For Big. I purchased the Halloween snap crotch onesie in size large and a blue adult pacifier. The customer service was a little odd, after receiving an email saying my order was shipped, I then received one apologising for an error and saying they'd upgraded my shipping to express to ensure the order got to me before Halloween. I asked what the email meant as I hadn't noticed an error but was confused by the reply I got. However I do appreciate them sending the order by express delivery to make sure I got it on time. The order got to me just before Halloween and this time I didn't have to pay custom fees luckily! The print and cut on the onesie is adorable however the sizing is much bigger than that of the other two stores, so it fits very baggy. Although this is not necessarily a problem, just something to bare in mind. The snaps on the onesie are extremely strong, I couldn't manage to get them undone and even my boyfriend struggled, I often just took it off by pulling it down and going through the head hole. This is probably the only issue I have with the onesie since it makes it hard to wear as you can't just undo the snaps to change a diaper. The pacifier is super cute. The teat is the perfect size and is made of a different, softer material than the Onesies Downunder one, making it more fun to chew. The onesie was $32.80 (which is around £26.41) with free shipping. I think this was very expensive although I am glad they offer free shipping as a lot of their products ship from china. Overall I don't think I will be buying another Little For Big onesie unless they change the poppers they use, because for me this really put me off wanting to buy another because of how hard they are to undo.

So in order I think my favourite onesie was the one from ABDL marketplace as it fits just how I wanted it to, the customer service was good, and it was well priced. My second favourite was Onesies Downunder as the customer service was good, and the product was good quality but the price is quite high, especially since the print on the onesie wasn't as bright as expected. My least favourite was Little For Big because of the snaps on the onesie being too hard to undo, the price being very expensive, and the customer service not being the best, although it is a cute onesie.

If you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask! And let me know what you think of the review, do you agree? Or do you completely disagree? Would you like to see more reviews from me? Let me know!

Thank you for reading!

***Edit*** Thank you so much Onesies Downunder and ABDL Marketplace for reading and reblogging this review ***edit***
If you want to read more of my reviews check out my new review blog HERE

An open letter to my rapist.

A letter to my rapist (and anyone's else's for that matter)

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Obviously this is going to include a lot of dark stuff so be aware of that if you decide to read this.

I don't actually think I'm ever going to send this to him, I'm writing this to help myself, and other victims to know that there's others who feel the way they do. I know how you feel and I'm always around to talk if you need me. So here it goes...

I guess the first question I have is why? Why me? Why did you do it? Why did you think that was an acceptable thing to do just because I apparently did something wrong? Why did you do it again after you saw how much it hurt me the first time?

I don't think you quite understand how much what you did to me effected me. It took me a very long time to figure out what was normal in a relationship after you treated me as badly as you did. It wasn't even a relationship! You used me and I didn't know any better. I loved you! Did you even have any feelings for me at all? Or was I just another girl you were fucking? You only seemed to ever contact me when you wanted your cock sucking. But I was too stupid to see that. Id had a crush on you all through school and you used that to your advantage. You made me feel so special, like I was the only one you wanted. But you didn't. You didn't want me at all.

I trusted you so much. I trusted you more than anyone. You knew all of my secrets. It's taken me so long to trust anyone to that level. And even now I'm still afraid that everyone is using me, that they're just going to leave me, hurt me like you did. You're a huge part of the reason I developed anxiety. I know I shouldn't completely blame you but you really didn't help. I thought you did, I thought you were good for me. But you never cared did you?

I was 15. You were 17. You should have known better. You used my age and inexperience against me. You made me think it was all normal. You made me think it was totally normal to be so sexual so soon. It's got me hurt so many times but never as much as you hurt me. It's one thing to break my heart but to do what you did was wrong. So wrong.

I'm slowly getting over it. Slowly but surely. It's been 2 years now and I still cry whenever I try and do that one thing you wanted. Because it brings back all of the horrible memories of you forcing it on me. I'm still scared of bumping into you in public even though you never did acknowledge my existence. You always just looked straight past me, like I wasn't there.

Do you ever think about it? Because there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't. I'm constantly reminded of it. Of you. It sucks.

Maybe one day I'll get all the answers I need from you and I'll finally be able to fully get over what has happened. But until then I guess I'll just keep going. You haven't killed me yet kid.

Sorry this is so depressing and all over the place, I needed to get it out. I promise I'll be back to some good content soon. I hope this helped at least one person understand.

Thanks for reading. 

Half year review

It's June, which means the year is already half way over. It feels like just yesterday I was writing my New Years resolutions! So now it's time to see how well I'm sticking to them and what else has changed.

The past six months have probably been some of the best and also in some ways the worst I've had in a while. I got all of my hair cut off! That was probably the best decision I've ever made if I'm honest, it has really improved my mood. I went to see patent pending (twice), Melanie Martinez, and I also went to slam dunk where I saw Panic! At The Disco, zebrahead, as it is, and away days. They were all amazing experiences and I can't wait to have more concerts like those. For Melanie I traveled to London for third time although it was my first time actually being able to explore and I really loved it, it's such a beautiful place. I had a few breakdowns but I also feel like my life is getting more on track than it has been in a long time. I got into college and am currently in the process of looking for a new job.

Here's a super cute picture of us at slam dunk!!

I have been sticking to my first New Years resolution (look after myself) very well! My diet is improving greatly and I recently started going to the gym which always makes me feel better about myself. I have also started taking antidepressants which I feel are really helping me with my general mood and anxiety. In order to continue with this I will be further improving my diet and trying to improve my sleep schedule.

My second resolution was to wear Lolita more often which I defiantly feel like I am achieving, especially since my wardrobe is growing so much. Although I haven't had chance to go to any more meets, I have just been wearing it out on dates with the boyfriend.

I have defiantly started getting more organised as I have bought a happiness planner to try and help me when I'm at college. So far I've got all my plans in it, I'm just waiting to actually start college! I plan on using this to both organise myself and help with my positivity.

As for my little resolutions I have started watching more movies and instead of reading more I have started writing more.

That's all for this month. Thank you so much for reading!

A shoutout to my friends

I have had a really bad mental health month this week. I've started writing multiple posts but none of them really got anywhere. Through all the sadness and anxiety this month I have made a pretty great realisation - I have amazing friends. So this ones dedicated to you guys.

Whenever I'm sad, anxious, or just need someone to talk to I know at least one of you, usually all of you, are there on the other end of the phone. You always know how to make me feel better, whether that's with giving amazing advice, sending me pictures of your pets, linking me to YouTube videos of our favourite songs, or even just with memes. I know I can always count on you to be there, day or night.

I've never really been the kinda guy who wants to hang out with their friends, but I've finally made friends I genuinely want to see and it kills me that I've never met half of you. I love going to gigs with you, I love going to the gym with you, I love skyping you and I can't wait to carry on doing that for years to come.

I think I've finally met my forever friends and nothing makes me happier than knowing that. You make me feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I love you all so much.

Thank you for reading, and sorry it's so short and ranbley, I haven't really been in the mood to write. I just wanted you all to know how amazing my friends are. 

A letter for Patent Pending

This is kinda gonna be a bit of a mess if I'm honest, I haven't really planned much past the point of "I'm gonna write a thing". I don't expect them to read this, (but if they do, rad as heck and they will also understand what was going on with me at the gigs) I'm writing this to get it out more than anything. I'm not usually the guy who goes full fangirl and gets emotional over bands, but Patent Pending are one of the few exceptions to this rule and they're certainly the only exception that have made me cry quite as much as they have. If you know the band you probably think I'm crazy for saying that (and if you don't you should defiantly listen to them, they're great.) they're a super upbeat pop punk band whose whole aesthetic is about having fun and being yourself. Although they do have one song that gets me pretty badly. Also I should add a trigger warning for suicide. It gets kinda heavy.

This whole thing started in Leeds last year when I saw them supporting Zebrahead, my boyfriend loves both bands and he's spent most of our relationship getting me into Patent Pending so it was a win for us both when they announced the tour. I was pretty down anyway after losing my friend to cancer a few days before hand so I was crying when they came on. Not long after I'd calmed down they started introducing a song I hadn't listened to before, One Less Heart To Break, a song about suicide and how it's not the way out. As I listened to Joe talk about the song I burst into tears again and as I listened to the lyrics of the song I couldn't stop myself. I related so much to that song. This was about 3 months after my first suicide attempt which was the worst time of my life, and it brought back so many memories of that. The rest of their set was amazing and I ended up having a pretty great night despite everything.

Now fast forward to the beginning of this month (April) my boyfriend once again asks me if I want to see patent pending, I of course say yes and we decide to do Leeds and Manchester (he did a few more but I had other gigs and work so I couldn't). So I start listening to them a bit more to get myself super hyped and One less heart to break comes on, once again I find myself in tears over how much I relate to it. Then Monday before the gigs I had a huge breakdown which resulted in my second suicide attempt. I know I shouldn't have done it but at the time I couldn't see any other way to make all of my problems go away. I won't go into too much h detail though, I don't want this to be too sad.

I was feeling a lot better by the time the first gig (Leeds) came around and by the time the band came on I was super excited. The whole concert was amazing and we had somehow made our way to about 3 rows from the front. Then, as always, as Joe started introducing One less heart to break I found myself bursting into tears again. The whole way through the song I cried my eyes out while trying to sing along, during his speech in the middle of the song Joe pointed it me, obviously noticing I was crying, which made me realise just how much of a connection I had with this band, they get me. I managed to stop crying not long into the next song and really enjoyed the rest of the gig despite being covered in a mix of my own sweat and tears.

The rest of the week went by in a pretty quick blur of work and telling people how great (and sweaty) the gigs was, and soon it was time for round two in Manchester. I'd had a sore throat all day and a few people had asked if I was sure I still wanted to go to the gig, but I wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to see a band I connected with so well. We once again started stood at the back of the venue but between the mosh pits and us just generally jumping a lot we eventually made it to the barrier. This time however they had decided to do their song Spin Me Around (which is a bonus track from their album, Brighter so I wasn't expecting them to do it) I had listened to it quite a bit but up until that moment I hadn't really felt a major connection with it. That was until I started thinking, with my boyfriends arms around me I just started crying thinking about how lucky I was to have found such an amazingly supportive person after having so many toxic, abusive relationships and being raped by the only person I had trusted before now. A few songs later Joe goes into his speech about suicide prevention and right on queue the water works start. A few people give me weird looks but I wasn't embarrassed, this was my song. I felt such a connection with the girl who's story is told in the first verse (even down to the fact that I live in a small town just north of the city) that I didn't care what other people thought about me crying my eyes out at a punk gig. Half way through the song Joe jumped down from the stage to walk along the barrier, as he had done through most of the songs to get people to sing into the mic, and he spots me. I'm crying so much at this point that I can't even sing, but he pulls me closer to him and puts his forehead to mine as he sings, as if to tell me it's all going to be okay. It was the best moment I've ever had at a gig. The person in front of me however was very jealous and spent the rest of the gig making sure his head was directly in front of mine any time Joe came anywhere near us. The second to last song of the gig was Brighter, a song about how everything is going to get better. I have a pretty big connection with this song too but it had never made me cry, until that night. Although I didn't cry quite as much as I had with the other two songs there were still tears trickling down my face as I screamed out the chorus.

Once the band had left the stage the boyfriend and I went to get merch as it was the last date we were going to. When we got to the merch table Joe was stood behind it, getting selfies and selling shirts. We walked over to his side and as soon as he saw me he asked me if I was okay and shook my hand. I just stuttered out a yes as I'm not the best at talking to people. Then we had a pretty hilarious conversation about where I got my shirt from and we left. Me still shaking due to how much I'd cried.

So I guess guys if you're reading this. Thank you. The moments I've spoken about here are truly life changing. You saved my life. Whenever I think I don't deserve to be alive I think of Joe putting his forehead against mine, you are my hero man. Thank you so much for making amazing music that makes me happy to be alive, thank you for such an amazing time at your gigs, heck thank you for making me cry! I promise you, I promise you all, I'll never go away, I won't give you one less heart to break.

Thank you so much for reading.

I'm not gonna be that guy who begs you to send this to the band, but I would be super rad if anyone does. Them reading this would mean the world to me.

And totally check out Patent Pending if you haven't already, I promise it's worth it. I mean they have a song called NSFW (.) (.) which is literally 3 minutes of them singing about sending nudes, how great is that!

Quarter Year Review

It's March and that means we're already a quarter of the way through the year. Isn't that crazy! A quarter of the year has gone by so quick. So this month I have decided to write a little quarter year review, revisiting my New Years resolutions and talking about the changes from last year to now. Enjoy!

I wouldn't say a lot has really changed since my year review but a few things have. I've made new friends, we regularly add new people into the group chat so there is always opportunity to make new friends. I have also rekindled the friendships I lost last year which was lovely as I really missed having those people in my life. I have also booked tickets for Slam Dunk this year to see Panic! At the Disco which should be super fun! I am also going to see Melanie Martinez in London which will be the furthest I've ever traveled for a concert! I have also been to see my doctor this month about my mental health and he has prescribed me some medication to try and help me.

As for New Years resolutions I would say I've got started on quite a few of them, although of course there are ones I've done more than others and ones I haven't started at all.

My first resolution was to look after myself more. I feel like I am slowly beginning to achieve this. I have started regularly eating breakfast and brushing my teeth both morning and night. My self care is slowly improving. I am also going to join the gym soon to try and get fit and feel better about myself.

Another of my resolutions was to attend as many Lolita meets as I can. So for I have managed to attend one and I had a wonderful time! Wearing Lolita out of the house is always a little daunting at first but doing it with friends was absolutely lovely. I haven't been able to attend any more due to having other commitments that require time off work but I will try to get to at least one more this year.

I have also made progress on my resolution to meet my friends! We had a lovely little meet up in Manchester, there were only about 5 of us but I had so much fun hanging out with them all. We also went to a concert (Vukovi) together which was lovely although this time it was only 4 of it but it was super fun! We're planning to meet up once a month although it's difficult since a lot of people's schedules clash.

I love this picture of us from Vukovi.

As for writing a blog post each month, so far so good!

So that's my year so far. Nothing major really but I hope to continue to make it a great one and to carry on improving myself as the year goes on. Thank you for reading!

First Lolita Meets

I attended my first Lolita meet in January and I had tons of fun! We walked around Leeds, took coordinate pictures, and played games in the library. We had a quiz and played a game where we picked 3 pieces of paper with words on and we had to draw a print using those words, for example "duck, present, rainbow" would be a print with ducks, presents and rainbows! The meet was great and I hope to attend another one soon.

So to celebrate this I have decided to write a short post giving some tips on attending a meet up!

Firstly, I defiantly suggest planning your outfit in advance. I started planning my coordinate during the week before the meet as it was on a Saturday. I had two outfits planned as I received a new dress a few days before the meet up. A lot of people buy new outfits especially for meet ups, but sometimes they don't come in time so it's always best to have a backup.

Another good tip is to talk to the people going to the meet so that you know them before you go. I also found someone who lived close to me so we could get the train together. This made it a lot less nerve wracking. The more you know about the people before hand the more you'll have to talk about at the meet. Some good things to talk to people about are; their favourite brands, their dream dresses, hobbies other than Lolita, school, the list goes on and I'm sure you'll find tons to talk about!

Always make sure you're on time to the meet as they may need to leave the meeting place at a specified time as they have reservations at wherever you are going. You should try and get there a few minutes before the time, as others will probably be doing this too. But don't worry if you're the first, you can always message someone and see what time they will arrive!

My final tip is to have fun! This may sound cringy and cliche and also kind of like something your mother would say but honeslty it's the best advice I feel I can give. You shouldn't worry about what others think, about passers by, or if your outfit isn't good enough. You're there to see friends, play games, have fun! Take tons of photos, selfies alone, with friends, pictures of others, anything you want to remember the day by.

I hope this has helped at least a little for any new Lolitas attending their first meet. I am by far not a professional and I don't claim to be, I'm just giving my input and hoping to help!

Thanks for reading!

New Years resolutions

I have made a few resolutions this year. Some relating to me and my mental/physical health, some to Lolita fashion and some general ones. Here's a list of what I want to do and how I plan to do it.

1. Look after myself

This means a lot of things to me. Looking after my body by getting fit, plus my doctor said that going to the gym, or even just jogging is a good way to get rid of extra anxious energy so that's another good reason. I'm also going to try and improve my diet, both for my health and to help me go places with people.

This also means looking after my skin by making use of all of the lovely products I received for Christmas and actually getting a good routine going for myself. I may even try wearing makeup more often as it makes me more confident.

2. Wear Lolita more often

This is quite a difficult one to manage as at the moment I don't really go many places and my wardrobe is quite small, but I plan on wearing Lolita at every opportunity I get, even if it's just on a shopping trip with my boyfriend.

3. Go to more Lolita meets

This is a difficult one due to my job (I work Saturdays) but I plan on going to more meets with my comm. I hope to go every other month if I can!

4. Meet my internet friends

I haven't met around 80% of the people I'm friends with so my goal this year is to meet some of them! I shouldn't really refer to them as "internet friends" because they are just my friends! I just haven't hung out with a lot of them. Some will be easier than others as they live closer but I hope to meet them anyway and go on cute friend dates!

5. Be more organised

I plan to organise things a bit better so I'm not left panicking at the last minute like I have been recently. This includes work, friends, outfits and concerts.

6. Write a blog post each month

This was the original plan for the blog, and now I hope to make it a reality! Even if it's just a short post about a meet I went to or review of a shop I ordered from, I hope to write at least one post a month. So far so good!

I also have some slightly smaller, less life effecting goals I would like to achieve this year, which aren't such a big priority, although it would be nice. These are all pretty self explanatory so I won't bother explaining them.

1. Get a new job

2. Start a YouTube channel

3. Read more

4. Watch more movies

2015

2015 has been a very eventful year for me, so I'm writing this post to look back on the ups and downs. I'm not gonna go into major amounts of detail, it's just going to be a brief look back.

Friendships:

I started this year with a reasonable amount of friends, although I can't say I'm really leaving it with them. (I'm not going to name any names, obviously.)

One of the girls I was pretty close with started talking behind my back and let me down on something I really needed her to be able to go to, although I'm no longer majorly upset with her about this I still haven't had the courage to talk to her to ask if we can make up.

The other girl left after I had a panic attack before meeting up with her so I had to cancel. I have however spoken to her, she says she didn't think I was making the effort. I agree completely, I let my mental illness get in the way. But right now I don't feel like I can be the best friend I could be to her so I don't feel like I can make up with her right now, but maybe some day.

It's not all bad though, I joined an "unofficial" group chat for a band I like called Area 11 and I feel like I've made a lot of really good friends through that, although I've only met a few of them in real life I hope to hang out with them more in the next year.

Events:

My love for concerts got even bigger this year. I discovered tons of new bands and went to see a lot of old ones. One of my favourite bands to see live, Blitz Kids, split and played a really long gig as a lovely send off. Another few of my favourites were Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy and Bleachers.

As well as these gigs I also went to Whitby Goth Weekend for Halloween with my boyfriend. This is a 3 day convention/market type thing with concerts on the Friday and Saturday night. The fearless vampire killers were one of the bands who played on the Friday (who all dressed as Jim Carey which was hilarious) and were really good. We discovered a band called Vince Ripper and the Rodent Show on the Saturday who we thought were really weird and hilarious! Whitby is also a really beautiful lovely place, on the Sunday we walked up to the church and Abbey which was beautiful!

I also attended 2 conventions this year! Manchester MCM comic con for my birthday and Yorkshire cosplay con. I cosplayed Link from the Legend Of Zelda at both, which was really fun! I spent too much money at MCM and met some of the lovely people from the Area11 group chat. At cosplay con I got to meet some of the girls from my local Lolita community and the lovely youtubers Fetsu and Jack. Both events were great fun and I hope to go back next year either in cosplay or Lolita.

Love:

I guess this is also something I started 2015 with, just not as good as I have it now. At the end of 2014 we decided to "pre-commit" meaning we were exclusive and pretty much in a relationship, but not 100% because there were so many factors against us. We started being allowed to meet (him coming to me) in April, just after I got my apprenticeship. We tried to see each other every Sunday as it was the only day I had free. After I quit my apprenticeship I was allowed to go and see him. We went into Liverpool, he took me to build a bear and we made one that looked like him and named it after him. He then took me down to the docks, he told me about how silly he felt that he wasn't in a proper relationship with me. So he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend "for realsies". We locked a lock which he engraved with our initials (using the key) on the fence by the river. He had bought the build a bear so we would have a certificate to remind us of the date we got together. Since then we've done tons of great things like a spontaneous trip to London, playing video games for hours and trying to beat each other at Mario kart, our holiday to Whitby, and even spending Christmas together. Our relationship has progressed so much and I hope it continues into 2016 and even further.

Mental health:

My mental health hasn't been great this year. I've had a lot of panic attacks and just generally a bad time with depression. Although I feel like I'm getting a little bit better, I hope 2016 is easier on me. The Christmas period was especially hard on me, but that was expected as I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend's family who I don't know extremely well, but it did get better.

So in conclusion, my year wasn't all that bad but I hope for 2016 to be even better!

Panic attack

Last night I had a huge panic attack.

It all started when my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook mentioning that he wanted to "hang himself". He always gets frustrated with me when I say suicidal things, telling me not to "joke" about suicide, so I knew this was a joke but it still worried me. He didn't reply to any of the texts I sent him or answer his phone. I was worrying like crazy and crying on and off. It also triggered memories of when my abuser would say he was going to kill himself every time he found out I was talking to someone else.

He eventually replied and said he was too busy to talk which triggered the panic attack to start, probably because I get ignored a lot and he's the only person who I know cares 100%. I couldn't breathe properly, I was crying and shaking.

Eventually my boyfriend called me and tried to calm me down. "Calm down. Shhhhh. Everything is fine. I love you" He kept saying. He was trying to get my to go and get my mother but I didn't want her to freak out too so I just stayed where I was, trying to calm down and just focus on his voice. The first thing I managed to say to him once I calmed down was "I love you"

Having a long distance relationship isn't easy but he still manages to do his job.