***TRIGGER WARNING***
Obviously this is going to include a lot of dark stuff so be aware of that if you decide to read this.
I don't actually think I'm ever going to send this to him, I'm writing this to help myself, and other victims to know that there's others who feel the way they do. I know how you feel and I'm always around to talk if you need me. So here it goes...
I guess the first question I have is why? Why me? Why did you do it? Why did you think that was an acceptable thing to do just because I apparently did something wrong? Why did you do it again after you saw how much it hurt me the first time?
I don't think you quite understand how much what you did to me effected me. It took me a very long time to figure out what was normal in a relationship after you treated me as badly as you did. It wasn't even a relationship! You used me and I didn't know any better. I loved you! Did you even have any feelings for me at all? Or was I just another girl you were fucking? You only seemed to ever contact me when you wanted your cock sucking. But I was too stupid to see that. Id had a crush on you all through school and you used that to your advantage. You made me feel so special, like I was the only one you wanted. But you didn't. You didn't want me at all.
I trusted you so much. I trusted you more than anyone. You knew all of my secrets. It's taken me so long to trust anyone to that level. And even now I'm still afraid that everyone is using me, that they're just going to leave me, hurt me like you did. You're a huge part of the reason I developed anxiety. I know I shouldn't completely blame you but you really didn't help. I thought you did, I thought you were good for me. But you never cared did you?
I was 15. You were 17. You should have known better. You used my age and inexperience against me. You made me think it was all normal. You made me think it was totally normal to be so sexual so soon. It's got me hurt so many times but never as much as you hurt me. It's one thing to break my heart but to do what you did was wrong. So wrong.
I'm slowly getting over it. Slowly but surely. It's been 2 years now and I still cry whenever I try and do that one thing you wanted. Because it brings back all of the horrible memories of you forcing it on me. I'm still scared of bumping into you in public even though you never did acknowledge my existence. You always just looked straight past me, like I wasn't there.
Do you ever think about it? Because there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't. I'm constantly reminded of it. Of you. It sucks.
Maybe one day I'll get all the answers I need from you and I'll finally be able to fully get over what has happened. But until then I guess I'll just keep going. You haven't killed me yet kid.
Sorry this is so depressing and all over the place, I needed to get it out. I promise I'll be back to some good content soon. I hope this helped at least one person understand.
Thanks for reading.
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