As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.
Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.
Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.
Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.
I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.
Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...
Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.
But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...
If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.
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