Life Choices: Am I doing the right thing?

As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.

Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.

Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.

Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.

I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.

Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...

Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.

But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...

If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.

2016 Year Review.

It's that time of year again. Time to look back on my year and reflect on the good, the not so good, and everything in between. This is my second year doing a post like this and I can't wait to share my memories, and how well I stuck to my resolutions with you. As with last year I will be following up with a New years resolutions post for 2017. I hope you enjoy reading! Thank you.

The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.

Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!

Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.

As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.

My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.

Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!

My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.

Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.

Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away.  I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.

As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.

My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.

Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!

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An open letter to my rapist.

A letter to my rapist (and anyone's else's for that matter)

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Obviously this is going to include a lot of dark stuff so be aware of that if you decide to read this.

I don't actually think I'm ever going to send this to him, I'm writing this to help myself, and other victims to know that there's others who feel the way they do. I know how you feel and I'm always around to talk if you need me. So here it goes...

I guess the first question I have is why? Why me? Why did you do it? Why did you think that was an acceptable thing to do just because I apparently did something wrong? Why did you do it again after you saw how much it hurt me the first time?

I don't think you quite understand how much what you did to me effected me. It took me a very long time to figure out what was normal in a relationship after you treated me as badly as you did. It wasn't even a relationship! You used me and I didn't know any better. I loved you! Did you even have any feelings for me at all? Or was I just another girl you were fucking? You only seemed to ever contact me when you wanted your cock sucking. But I was too stupid to see that. Id had a crush on you all through school and you used that to your advantage. You made me feel so special, like I was the only one you wanted. But you didn't. You didn't want me at all.

I trusted you so much. I trusted you more than anyone. You knew all of my secrets. It's taken me so long to trust anyone to that level. And even now I'm still afraid that everyone is using me, that they're just going to leave me, hurt me like you did. You're a huge part of the reason I developed anxiety. I know I shouldn't completely blame you but you really didn't help. I thought you did, I thought you were good for me. But you never cared did you?

I was 15. You were 17. You should have known better. You used my age and inexperience against me. You made me think it was all normal. You made me think it was totally normal to be so sexual so soon. It's got me hurt so many times but never as much as you hurt me. It's one thing to break my heart but to do what you did was wrong. So wrong.

I'm slowly getting over it. Slowly but surely. It's been 2 years now and I still cry whenever I try and do that one thing you wanted. Because it brings back all of the horrible memories of you forcing it on me. I'm still scared of bumping into you in public even though you never did acknowledge my existence. You always just looked straight past me, like I wasn't there.

Do you ever think about it? Because there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't. I'm constantly reminded of it. Of you. It sucks.

Maybe one day I'll get all the answers I need from you and I'll finally be able to fully get over what has happened. But until then I guess I'll just keep going. You haven't killed me yet kid.

Sorry this is so depressing and all over the place, I needed to get it out. I promise I'll be back to some good content soon. I hope this helped at least one person understand.

Thanks for reading.