Life Choices: Am I doing the right thing?

As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.

Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.

Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.

Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.

I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.

Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...

Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.

But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...

If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.

An open letter to my rapist.

A letter to my rapist (and anyone's else's for that matter)

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Obviously this is going to include a lot of dark stuff so be aware of that if you decide to read this.

I don't actually think I'm ever going to send this to him, I'm writing this to help myself, and other victims to know that there's others who feel the way they do. I know how you feel and I'm always around to talk if you need me. So here it goes...

I guess the first question I have is why? Why me? Why did you do it? Why did you think that was an acceptable thing to do just because I apparently did something wrong? Why did you do it again after you saw how much it hurt me the first time?

I don't think you quite understand how much what you did to me effected me. It took me a very long time to figure out what was normal in a relationship after you treated me as badly as you did. It wasn't even a relationship! You used me and I didn't know any better. I loved you! Did you even have any feelings for me at all? Or was I just another girl you were fucking? You only seemed to ever contact me when you wanted your cock sucking. But I was too stupid to see that. Id had a crush on you all through school and you used that to your advantage. You made me feel so special, like I was the only one you wanted. But you didn't. You didn't want me at all.

I trusted you so much. I trusted you more than anyone. You knew all of my secrets. It's taken me so long to trust anyone to that level. And even now I'm still afraid that everyone is using me, that they're just going to leave me, hurt me like you did. You're a huge part of the reason I developed anxiety. I know I shouldn't completely blame you but you really didn't help. I thought you did, I thought you were good for me. But you never cared did you?

I was 15. You were 17. You should have known better. You used my age and inexperience against me. You made me think it was all normal. You made me think it was totally normal to be so sexual so soon. It's got me hurt so many times but never as much as you hurt me. It's one thing to break my heart but to do what you did was wrong. So wrong.

I'm slowly getting over it. Slowly but surely. It's been 2 years now and I still cry whenever I try and do that one thing you wanted. Because it brings back all of the horrible memories of you forcing it on me. I'm still scared of bumping into you in public even though you never did acknowledge my existence. You always just looked straight past me, like I wasn't there.

Do you ever think about it? Because there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't. I'm constantly reminded of it. Of you. It sucks.

Maybe one day I'll get all the answers I need from you and I'll finally be able to fully get over what has happened. But until then I guess I'll just keep going. You haven't killed me yet kid.

Sorry this is so depressing and all over the place, I needed to get it out. I promise I'll be back to some good content soon. I hope this helped at least one person understand.

Thanks for reading. 

Half year review

It's June, which means the year is already half way over. It feels like just yesterday I was writing my New Years resolutions! So now it's time to see how well I'm sticking to them and what else has changed.

The past six months have probably been some of the best and also in some ways the worst I've had in a while. I got all of my hair cut off! That was probably the best decision I've ever made if I'm honest, it has really improved my mood. I went to see patent pending (twice), Melanie Martinez, and I also went to slam dunk where I saw Panic! At The Disco, zebrahead, as it is, and away days. They were all amazing experiences and I can't wait to have more concerts like those. For Melanie I traveled to London for third time although it was my first time actually being able to explore and I really loved it, it's such a beautiful place. I had a few breakdowns but I also feel like my life is getting more on track than it has been in a long time. I got into college and am currently in the process of looking for a new job.

Here's a super cute picture of us at slam dunk!!

I have been sticking to my first New Years resolution (look after myself) very well! My diet is improving greatly and I recently started going to the gym which always makes me feel better about myself. I have also started taking antidepressants which I feel are really helping me with my general mood and anxiety. In order to continue with this I will be further improving my diet and trying to improve my sleep schedule.

My second resolution was to wear Lolita more often which I defiantly feel like I am achieving, especially since my wardrobe is growing so much. Although I haven't had chance to go to any more meets, I have just been wearing it out on dates with the boyfriend.

I have defiantly started getting more organised as I have bought a happiness planner to try and help me when I'm at college. So far I've got all my plans in it, I'm just waiting to actually start college! I plan on using this to both organise myself and help with my positivity.

As for my little resolutions I have started watching more movies and instead of reading more I have started writing more.

That's all for this month. Thank you so much for reading!

A shoutout to my friends

I have had a really bad mental health month this week. I've started writing multiple posts but none of them really got anywhere. Through all the sadness and anxiety this month I have made a pretty great realisation - I have amazing friends. So this ones dedicated to you guys.

Whenever I'm sad, anxious, or just need someone to talk to I know at least one of you, usually all of you, are there on the other end of the phone. You always know how to make me feel better, whether that's with giving amazing advice, sending me pictures of your pets, linking me to YouTube videos of our favourite songs, or even just with memes. I know I can always count on you to be there, day or night.

I've never really been the kinda guy who wants to hang out with their friends, but I've finally made friends I genuinely want to see and it kills me that I've never met half of you. I love going to gigs with you, I love going to the gym with you, I love skyping you and I can't wait to carry on doing that for years to come.

I think I've finally met my forever friends and nothing makes me happier than knowing that. You make me feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I love you all so much.

Thank you for reading, and sorry it's so short and ranbley, I haven't really been in the mood to write. I just wanted you all to know how amazing my friends are. 

A letter for Patent Pending

This is kinda gonna be a bit of a mess if I'm honest, I haven't really planned much past the point of "I'm gonna write a thing". I don't expect them to read this, (but if they do, rad as heck and they will also understand what was going on with me at the gigs) I'm writing this to get it out more than anything. I'm not usually the guy who goes full fangirl and gets emotional over bands, but Patent Pending are one of the few exceptions to this rule and they're certainly the only exception that have made me cry quite as much as they have. If you know the band you probably think I'm crazy for saying that (and if you don't you should defiantly listen to them, they're great.) they're a super upbeat pop punk band whose whole aesthetic is about having fun and being yourself. Although they do have one song that gets me pretty badly. Also I should add a trigger warning for suicide. It gets kinda heavy.

This whole thing started in Leeds last year when I saw them supporting Zebrahead, my boyfriend loves both bands and he's spent most of our relationship getting me into Patent Pending so it was a win for us both when they announced the tour. I was pretty down anyway after losing my friend to cancer a few days before hand so I was crying when they came on. Not long after I'd calmed down they started introducing a song I hadn't listened to before, One Less Heart To Break, a song about suicide and how it's not the way out. As I listened to Joe talk about the song I burst into tears again and as I listened to the lyrics of the song I couldn't stop myself. I related so much to that song. This was about 3 months after my first suicide attempt which was the worst time of my life, and it brought back so many memories of that. The rest of their set was amazing and I ended up having a pretty great night despite everything.

Now fast forward to the beginning of this month (April) my boyfriend once again asks me if I want to see patent pending, I of course say yes and we decide to do Leeds and Manchester (he did a few more but I had other gigs and work so I couldn't). So I start listening to them a bit more to get myself super hyped and One less heart to break comes on, once again I find myself in tears over how much I relate to it. Then Monday before the gigs I had a huge breakdown which resulted in my second suicide attempt. I know I shouldn't have done it but at the time I couldn't see any other way to make all of my problems go away. I won't go into too much h detail though, I don't want this to be too sad.

I was feeling a lot better by the time the first gig (Leeds) came around and by the time the band came on I was super excited. The whole concert was amazing and we had somehow made our way to about 3 rows from the front. Then, as always, as Joe started introducing One less heart to break I found myself bursting into tears again. The whole way through the song I cried my eyes out while trying to sing along, during his speech in the middle of the song Joe pointed it me, obviously noticing I was crying, which made me realise just how much of a connection I had with this band, they get me. I managed to stop crying not long into the next song and really enjoyed the rest of the gig despite being covered in a mix of my own sweat and tears.

The rest of the week went by in a pretty quick blur of work and telling people how great (and sweaty) the gigs was, and soon it was time for round two in Manchester. I'd had a sore throat all day and a few people had asked if I was sure I still wanted to go to the gig, but I wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to see a band I connected with so well. We once again started stood at the back of the venue but between the mosh pits and us just generally jumping a lot we eventually made it to the barrier. This time however they had decided to do their song Spin Me Around (which is a bonus track from their album, Brighter so I wasn't expecting them to do it) I had listened to it quite a bit but up until that moment I hadn't really felt a major connection with it. That was until I started thinking, with my boyfriends arms around me I just started crying thinking about how lucky I was to have found such an amazingly supportive person after having so many toxic, abusive relationships and being raped by the only person I had trusted before now. A few songs later Joe goes into his speech about suicide prevention and right on queue the water works start. A few people give me weird looks but I wasn't embarrassed, this was my song. I felt such a connection with the girl who's story is told in the first verse (even down to the fact that I live in a small town just north of the city) that I didn't care what other people thought about me crying my eyes out at a punk gig. Half way through the song Joe jumped down from the stage to walk along the barrier, as he had done through most of the songs to get people to sing into the mic, and he spots me. I'm crying so much at this point that I can't even sing, but he pulls me closer to him and puts his forehead to mine as he sings, as if to tell me it's all going to be okay. It was the best moment I've ever had at a gig. The person in front of me however was very jealous and spent the rest of the gig making sure his head was directly in front of mine any time Joe came anywhere near us. The second to last song of the gig was Brighter, a song about how everything is going to get better. I have a pretty big connection with this song too but it had never made me cry, until that night. Although I didn't cry quite as much as I had with the other two songs there were still tears trickling down my face as I screamed out the chorus.

Once the band had left the stage the boyfriend and I went to get merch as it was the last date we were going to. When we got to the merch table Joe was stood behind it, getting selfies and selling shirts. We walked over to his side and as soon as he saw me he asked me if I was okay and shook my hand. I just stuttered out a yes as I'm not the best at talking to people. Then we had a pretty hilarious conversation about where I got my shirt from and we left. Me still shaking due to how much I'd cried.

So I guess guys if you're reading this. Thank you. The moments I've spoken about here are truly life changing. You saved my life. Whenever I think I don't deserve to be alive I think of Joe putting his forehead against mine, you are my hero man. Thank you so much for making amazing music that makes me happy to be alive, thank you for such an amazing time at your gigs, heck thank you for making me cry! I promise you, I promise you all, I'll never go away, I won't give you one less heart to break.

Thank you so much for reading.

I'm not gonna be that guy who begs you to send this to the band, but I would be super rad if anyone does. Them reading this would mean the world to me.

And totally check out Patent Pending if you haven't already, I promise it's worth it. I mean they have a song called NSFW (.) (.) which is literally 3 minutes of them singing about sending nudes, how great is that!

Quarter Year Review

It's March and that means we're already a quarter of the way through the year. Isn't that crazy! A quarter of the year has gone by so quick. So this month I have decided to write a little quarter year review, revisiting my New Years resolutions and talking about the changes from last year to now. Enjoy!

I wouldn't say a lot has really changed since my year review but a few things have. I've made new friends, we regularly add new people into the group chat so there is always opportunity to make new friends. I have also rekindled the friendships I lost last year which was lovely as I really missed having those people in my life. I have also booked tickets for Slam Dunk this year to see Panic! At the Disco which should be super fun! I am also going to see Melanie Martinez in London which will be the furthest I've ever traveled for a concert! I have also been to see my doctor this month about my mental health and he has prescribed me some medication to try and help me.

As for New Years resolutions I would say I've got started on quite a few of them, although of course there are ones I've done more than others and ones I haven't started at all.

My first resolution was to look after myself more. I feel like I am slowly beginning to achieve this. I have started regularly eating breakfast and brushing my teeth both morning and night. My self care is slowly improving. I am also going to join the gym soon to try and get fit and feel better about myself.

Another of my resolutions was to attend as many Lolita meets as I can. So for I have managed to attend one and I had a wonderful time! Wearing Lolita out of the house is always a little daunting at first but doing it with friends was absolutely lovely. I haven't been able to attend any more due to having other commitments that require time off work but I will try to get to at least one more this year.

I have also made progress on my resolution to meet my friends! We had a lovely little meet up in Manchester, there were only about 5 of us but I had so much fun hanging out with them all. We also went to a concert (Vukovi) together which was lovely although this time it was only 4 of it but it was super fun! We're planning to meet up once a month although it's difficult since a lot of people's schedules clash.

I love this picture of us from Vukovi.

As for writing a blog post each month, so far so good!

So that's my year so far. Nothing major really but I hope to continue to make it a great one and to carry on improving myself as the year goes on. Thank you for reading!

First Lolita Meets

I attended my first Lolita meet in January and I had tons of fun! We walked around Leeds, took coordinate pictures, and played games in the library. We had a quiz and played a game where we picked 3 pieces of paper with words on and we had to draw a print using those words, for example "duck, present, rainbow" would be a print with ducks, presents and rainbows! The meet was great and I hope to attend another one soon.

So to celebrate this I have decided to write a short post giving some tips on attending a meet up!

Firstly, I defiantly suggest planning your outfit in advance. I started planning my coordinate during the week before the meet as it was on a Saturday. I had two outfits planned as I received a new dress a few days before the meet up. A lot of people buy new outfits especially for meet ups, but sometimes they don't come in time so it's always best to have a backup.

Another good tip is to talk to the people going to the meet so that you know them before you go. I also found someone who lived close to me so we could get the train together. This made it a lot less nerve wracking. The more you know about the people before hand the more you'll have to talk about at the meet. Some good things to talk to people about are; their favourite brands, their dream dresses, hobbies other than Lolita, school, the list goes on and I'm sure you'll find tons to talk about!

Always make sure you're on time to the meet as they may need to leave the meeting place at a specified time as they have reservations at wherever you are going. You should try and get there a few minutes before the time, as others will probably be doing this too. But don't worry if you're the first, you can always message someone and see what time they will arrive!

My final tip is to have fun! This may sound cringy and cliche and also kind of like something your mother would say but honeslty it's the best advice I feel I can give. You shouldn't worry about what others think, about passers by, or if your outfit isn't good enough. You're there to see friends, play games, have fun! Take tons of photos, selfies alone, with friends, pictures of others, anything you want to remember the day by.

I hope this has helped at least a little for any new Lolitas attending their first meet. I am by far not a professional and I don't claim to be, I'm just giving my input and hoping to help!

Thanks for reading!

New Years resolutions

I have made a few resolutions this year. Some relating to me and my mental/physical health, some to Lolita fashion and some general ones. Here's a list of what I want to do and how I plan to do it.

1. Look after myself

This means a lot of things to me. Looking after my body by getting fit, plus my doctor said that going to the gym, or even just jogging is a good way to get rid of extra anxious energy so that's another good reason. I'm also going to try and improve my diet, both for my health and to help me go places with people.

This also means looking after my skin by making use of all of the lovely products I received for Christmas and actually getting a good routine going for myself. I may even try wearing makeup more often as it makes me more confident.

2. Wear Lolita more often

This is quite a difficult one to manage as at the moment I don't really go many places and my wardrobe is quite small, but I plan on wearing Lolita at every opportunity I get, even if it's just on a shopping trip with my boyfriend.

3. Go to more Lolita meets

This is a difficult one due to my job (I work Saturdays) but I plan on going to more meets with my comm. I hope to go every other month if I can!

4. Meet my internet friends

I haven't met around 80% of the people I'm friends with so my goal this year is to meet some of them! I shouldn't really refer to them as "internet friends" because they are just my friends! I just haven't hung out with a lot of them. Some will be easier than others as they live closer but I hope to meet them anyway and go on cute friend dates!

5. Be more organised

I plan to organise things a bit better so I'm not left panicking at the last minute like I have been recently. This includes work, friends, outfits and concerts.

6. Write a blog post each month

This was the original plan for the blog, and now I hope to make it a reality! Even if it's just a short post about a meet I went to or review of a shop I ordered from, I hope to write at least one post a month. So far so good!

I also have some slightly smaller, less life effecting goals I would like to achieve this year, which aren't such a big priority, although it would be nice. These are all pretty self explanatory so I won't bother explaining them.

1. Get a new job

2. Start a YouTube channel

3. Read more

4. Watch more movies

2015

2015 has been a very eventful year for me, so I'm writing this post to look back on the ups and downs. I'm not gonna go into major amounts of detail, it's just going to be a brief look back.

Friendships:

I started this year with a reasonable amount of friends, although I can't say I'm really leaving it with them. (I'm not going to name any names, obviously.)

One of the girls I was pretty close with started talking behind my back and let me down on something I really needed her to be able to go to, although I'm no longer majorly upset with her about this I still haven't had the courage to talk to her to ask if we can make up.

The other girl left after I had a panic attack before meeting up with her so I had to cancel. I have however spoken to her, she says she didn't think I was making the effort. I agree completely, I let my mental illness get in the way. But right now I don't feel like I can be the best friend I could be to her so I don't feel like I can make up with her right now, but maybe some day.

It's not all bad though, I joined an "unofficial" group chat for a band I like called Area 11 and I feel like I've made a lot of really good friends through that, although I've only met a few of them in real life I hope to hang out with them more in the next year.

Events:

My love for concerts got even bigger this year. I discovered tons of new bands and went to see a lot of old ones. One of my favourite bands to see live, Blitz Kids, split and played a really long gig as a lovely send off. Another few of my favourites were Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy and Bleachers.

As well as these gigs I also went to Whitby Goth Weekend for Halloween with my boyfriend. This is a 3 day convention/market type thing with concerts on the Friday and Saturday night. The fearless vampire killers were one of the bands who played on the Friday (who all dressed as Jim Carey which was hilarious) and were really good. We discovered a band called Vince Ripper and the Rodent Show on the Saturday who we thought were really weird and hilarious! Whitby is also a really beautiful lovely place, on the Sunday we walked up to the church and Abbey which was beautiful!

I also attended 2 conventions this year! Manchester MCM comic con for my birthday and Yorkshire cosplay con. I cosplayed Link from the Legend Of Zelda at both, which was really fun! I spent too much money at MCM and met some of the lovely people from the Area11 group chat. At cosplay con I got to meet some of the girls from my local Lolita community and the lovely youtubers Fetsu and Jack. Both events were great fun and I hope to go back next year either in cosplay or Lolita.

Love:

I guess this is also something I started 2015 with, just not as good as I have it now. At the end of 2014 we decided to "pre-commit" meaning we were exclusive and pretty much in a relationship, but not 100% because there were so many factors against us. We started being allowed to meet (him coming to me) in April, just after I got my apprenticeship. We tried to see each other every Sunday as it was the only day I had free. After I quit my apprenticeship I was allowed to go and see him. We went into Liverpool, he took me to build a bear and we made one that looked like him and named it after him. He then took me down to the docks, he told me about how silly he felt that he wasn't in a proper relationship with me. So he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend "for realsies". We locked a lock which he engraved with our initials (using the key) on the fence by the river. He had bought the build a bear so we would have a certificate to remind us of the date we got together. Since then we've done tons of great things like a spontaneous trip to London, playing video games for hours and trying to beat each other at Mario kart, our holiday to Whitby, and even spending Christmas together. Our relationship has progressed so much and I hope it continues into 2016 and even further.

Mental health:

My mental health hasn't been great this year. I've had a lot of panic attacks and just generally a bad time with depression. Although I feel like I'm getting a little bit better, I hope 2016 is easier on me. The Christmas period was especially hard on me, but that was expected as I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend's family who I don't know extremely well, but it did get better.

So in conclusion, my year wasn't all that bad but I hope for 2016 to be even better!

Panic attack

Last night I had a huge panic attack.

It all started when my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook mentioning that he wanted to "hang himself". He always gets frustrated with me when I say suicidal things, telling me not to "joke" about suicide, so I knew this was a joke but it still worried me. He didn't reply to any of the texts I sent him or answer his phone. I was worrying like crazy and crying on and off. It also triggered memories of when my abuser would say he was going to kill himself every time he found out I was talking to someone else.

He eventually replied and said he was too busy to talk which triggered the panic attack to start, probably because I get ignored a lot and he's the only person who I know cares 100%. I couldn't breathe properly, I was crying and shaking.

Eventually my boyfriend called me and tried to calm me down. "Calm down. Shhhhh. Everything is fine. I love you" He kept saying. He was trying to get my to go and get my mother but I didn't want her to freak out too so I just stayed where I was, trying to calm down and just focus on his voice. The first thing I managed to say to him once I calmed down was "I love you"

Having a long distance relationship isn't easy but he still manages to do his job.