Life Choices: Am I doing the right thing?

As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.

Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.

Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.

Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.

I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.

Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...

Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.

But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...

If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.

2016 Year Review.

It's that time of year again. Time to look back on my year and reflect on the good, the not so good, and everything in between. This is my second year doing a post like this and I can't wait to share my memories, and how well I stuck to my resolutions with you. As with last year I will be following up with a New years resolutions post for 2017. I hope you enjoy reading! Thank you.

The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.

Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!

Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.

As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.

My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.

Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!

My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.

Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.

Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away.  I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.

As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.

My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.

Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!

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A shoutout to my friends

I have had a really bad mental health month this week. I've started writing multiple posts but none of them really got anywhere. Through all the sadness and anxiety this month I have made a pretty great realisation - I have amazing friends. So this ones dedicated to you guys.

Whenever I'm sad, anxious, or just need someone to talk to I know at least one of you, usually all of you, are there on the other end of the phone. You always know how to make me feel better, whether that's with giving amazing advice, sending me pictures of your pets, linking me to YouTube videos of our favourite songs, or even just with memes. I know I can always count on you to be there, day or night.

I've never really been the kinda guy who wants to hang out with their friends, but I've finally made friends I genuinely want to see and it kills me that I've never met half of you. I love going to gigs with you, I love going to the gym with you, I love skyping you and I can't wait to carry on doing that for years to come.

I think I've finally met my forever friends and nothing makes me happier than knowing that. You make me feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I love you all so much.

Thank you for reading, and sorry it's so short and ranbley, I haven't really been in the mood to write. I just wanted you all to know how amazing my friends are. 

New Years resolutions

I have made a few resolutions this year. Some relating to me and my mental/physical health, some to Lolita fashion and some general ones. Here's a list of what I want to do and how I plan to do it.

1. Look after myself

This means a lot of things to me. Looking after my body by getting fit, plus my doctor said that going to the gym, or even just jogging is a good way to get rid of extra anxious energy so that's another good reason. I'm also going to try and improve my diet, both for my health and to help me go places with people.

This also means looking after my skin by making use of all of the lovely products I received for Christmas and actually getting a good routine going for myself. I may even try wearing makeup more often as it makes me more confident.

2. Wear Lolita more often

This is quite a difficult one to manage as at the moment I don't really go many places and my wardrobe is quite small, but I plan on wearing Lolita at every opportunity I get, even if it's just on a shopping trip with my boyfriend.

3. Go to more Lolita meets

This is a difficult one due to my job (I work Saturdays) but I plan on going to more meets with my comm. I hope to go every other month if I can!

4. Meet my internet friends

I haven't met around 80% of the people I'm friends with so my goal this year is to meet some of them! I shouldn't really refer to them as "internet friends" because they are just my friends! I just haven't hung out with a lot of them. Some will be easier than others as they live closer but I hope to meet them anyway and go on cute friend dates!

5. Be more organised

I plan to organise things a bit better so I'm not left panicking at the last minute like I have been recently. This includes work, friends, outfits and concerts.

6. Write a blog post each month

This was the original plan for the blog, and now I hope to make it a reality! Even if it's just a short post about a meet I went to or review of a shop I ordered from, I hope to write at least one post a month. So far so good!

I also have some slightly smaller, less life effecting goals I would like to achieve this year, which aren't such a big priority, although it would be nice. These are all pretty self explanatory so I won't bother explaining them.

1. Get a new job

2. Start a YouTube channel

3. Read more

4. Watch more movies

2015

2015 has been a very eventful year for me, so I'm writing this post to look back on the ups and downs. I'm not gonna go into major amounts of detail, it's just going to be a brief look back.

Friendships:

I started this year with a reasonable amount of friends, although I can't say I'm really leaving it with them. (I'm not going to name any names, obviously.)

One of the girls I was pretty close with started talking behind my back and let me down on something I really needed her to be able to go to, although I'm no longer majorly upset with her about this I still haven't had the courage to talk to her to ask if we can make up.

The other girl left after I had a panic attack before meeting up with her so I had to cancel. I have however spoken to her, she says she didn't think I was making the effort. I agree completely, I let my mental illness get in the way. But right now I don't feel like I can be the best friend I could be to her so I don't feel like I can make up with her right now, but maybe some day.

It's not all bad though, I joined an "unofficial" group chat for a band I like called Area 11 and I feel like I've made a lot of really good friends through that, although I've only met a few of them in real life I hope to hang out with them more in the next year.

Events:

My love for concerts got even bigger this year. I discovered tons of new bands and went to see a lot of old ones. One of my favourite bands to see live, Blitz Kids, split and played a really long gig as a lovely send off. Another few of my favourites were Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy and Bleachers.

As well as these gigs I also went to Whitby Goth Weekend for Halloween with my boyfriend. This is a 3 day convention/market type thing with concerts on the Friday and Saturday night. The fearless vampire killers were one of the bands who played on the Friday (who all dressed as Jim Carey which was hilarious) and were really good. We discovered a band called Vince Ripper and the Rodent Show on the Saturday who we thought were really weird and hilarious! Whitby is also a really beautiful lovely place, on the Sunday we walked up to the church and Abbey which was beautiful!

I also attended 2 conventions this year! Manchester MCM comic con for my birthday and Yorkshire cosplay con. I cosplayed Link from the Legend Of Zelda at both, which was really fun! I spent too much money at MCM and met some of the lovely people from the Area11 group chat. At cosplay con I got to meet some of the girls from my local Lolita community and the lovely youtubers Fetsu and Jack. Both events were great fun and I hope to go back next year either in cosplay or Lolita.

Love:

I guess this is also something I started 2015 with, just not as good as I have it now. At the end of 2014 we decided to "pre-commit" meaning we were exclusive and pretty much in a relationship, but not 100% because there were so many factors against us. We started being allowed to meet (him coming to me) in April, just after I got my apprenticeship. We tried to see each other every Sunday as it was the only day I had free. After I quit my apprenticeship I was allowed to go and see him. We went into Liverpool, he took me to build a bear and we made one that looked like him and named it after him. He then took me down to the docks, he told me about how silly he felt that he wasn't in a proper relationship with me. So he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend "for realsies". We locked a lock which he engraved with our initials (using the key) on the fence by the river. He had bought the build a bear so we would have a certificate to remind us of the date we got together. Since then we've done tons of great things like a spontaneous trip to London, playing video games for hours and trying to beat each other at Mario kart, our holiday to Whitby, and even spending Christmas together. Our relationship has progressed so much and I hope it continues into 2016 and even further.

Mental health:

My mental health hasn't been great this year. I've had a lot of panic attacks and just generally a bad time with depression. Although I feel like I'm getting a little bit better, I hope 2016 is easier on me. The Christmas period was especially hard on me, but that was expected as I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend's family who I don't know extremely well, but it did get better.

So in conclusion, my year wasn't all that bad but I hope for 2016 to be even better!

Panic attack

Last night I had a huge panic attack.

It all started when my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook mentioning that he wanted to "hang himself". He always gets frustrated with me when I say suicidal things, telling me not to "joke" about suicide, so I knew this was a joke but it still worried me. He didn't reply to any of the texts I sent him or answer his phone. I was worrying like crazy and crying on and off. It also triggered memories of when my abuser would say he was going to kill himself every time he found out I was talking to someone else.

He eventually replied and said he was too busy to talk which triggered the panic attack to start, probably because I get ignored a lot and he's the only person who I know cares 100%. I couldn't breathe properly, I was crying and shaking.

Eventually my boyfriend called me and tried to calm me down. "Calm down. Shhhhh. Everything is fine. I love you" He kept saying. He was trying to get my to go and get my mother but I didn't want her to freak out too so I just stayed where I was, trying to calm down and just focus on his voice. The first thing I managed to say to him once I calmed down was "I love you"

Having a long distance relationship isn't easy but he still manages to do his job.