As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.
Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.
Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.
Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.
I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.
Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...
Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.
But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...
If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.
Showing posts with label life blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life blog. Show all posts
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
Monday, 26 December 2016
2016 Year Review.
It's that time of year again. Time to look back on my year and reflect on the good, the not so good, and everything in between. This is my second year doing a post like this and I can't wait to share my memories, and how well I stuck to my resolutions with you. As with last year I will be following up with a New years resolutions post for 2017. I hope you enjoy reading! Thank you.
The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.
Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!
Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.
As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.
My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.
Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!
My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.
Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.
Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away. I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.
As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.
My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.
Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!
Want to help me out? Buy me a coffee. This will help me both here and on my review blog.
The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.
Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!
Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.
As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.
My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.
Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!
My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.
Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.
Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away. I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.
As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.
My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.
Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!
Want to help me out? Buy me a coffee. This will help me both here and on my review blog.
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Half year review
It's June, which means the year is already half way over. It feels like just yesterday I was writing my New Years resolutions! So now it's time to see how well I'm sticking to them and what else has changed.
Here's a super cute picture of us at slam dunk!!
The past six months have probably been some of the best and also in some ways the worst I've had in a while. I got all of my hair cut off! That was probably the best decision I've ever made if I'm honest, it has really improved my mood. I went to see patent pending (twice), Melanie Martinez, and I also went to slam dunk where I saw Panic! At The Disco, zebrahead, as it is, and away days. They were all amazing experiences and I can't wait to have more concerts like those. For Melanie I traveled to London for third time although it was my first time actually being able to explore and I really loved it, it's such a beautiful place. I had a few breakdowns but I also feel like my life is getting more on track than it has been in a long time. I got into college and am currently in the process of looking for a new job.
I have been sticking to my first New Years resolution (look after myself) very well! My diet is improving greatly and I recently started going to the gym which always makes me feel better about myself. I have also started taking antidepressants which I feel are really helping me with my general mood and anxiety. In order to continue with this I will be further improving my diet and trying to improve my sleep schedule.
My second resolution was to wear Lolita more often which I defiantly feel like I am achieving, especially since my wardrobe is growing so much. Although I haven't had chance to go to any more meets, I have just been wearing it out on dates with the boyfriend.
I have defiantly started getting more organised as I have bought a happiness planner to try and help me when I'm at college. So far I've got all my plans in it, I'm just waiting to actually start college! I plan on using this to both organise myself and help with my positivity.
As for my little resolutions I have started watching more movies and instead of reading more I have started writing more.
That's all for this month. Thank you so much for reading!
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