Life Choices: Am I doing the right thing?

As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.

Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.

Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.

Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.

I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.

Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...

Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.

But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...

If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.

2016 Year Review.

It's that time of year again. Time to look back on my year and reflect on the good, the not so good, and everything in between. This is my second year doing a post like this and I can't wait to share my memories, and how well I stuck to my resolutions with you. As with last year I will be following up with a New years resolutions post for 2017. I hope you enjoy reading! Thank you.

The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.

Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!

Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.

As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.

My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.

Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!

My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.

Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.

Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away.  I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.

As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.

My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.

Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!

Want to help me out? Buy me a coffee. This will help me both here and on my review blog.

An open letter to my rapist.

A letter to my rapist (and anyone's else's for that matter)

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Obviously this is going to include a lot of dark stuff so be aware of that if you decide to read this.

I don't actually think I'm ever going to send this to him, I'm writing this to help myself, and other victims to know that there's others who feel the way they do. I know how you feel and I'm always around to talk if you need me. So here it goes...

I guess the first question I have is why? Why me? Why did you do it? Why did you think that was an acceptable thing to do just because I apparently did something wrong? Why did you do it again after you saw how much it hurt me the first time?

I don't think you quite understand how much what you did to me effected me. It took me a very long time to figure out what was normal in a relationship after you treated me as badly as you did. It wasn't even a relationship! You used me and I didn't know any better. I loved you! Did you even have any feelings for me at all? Or was I just another girl you were fucking? You only seemed to ever contact me when you wanted your cock sucking. But I was too stupid to see that. Id had a crush on you all through school and you used that to your advantage. You made me feel so special, like I was the only one you wanted. But you didn't. You didn't want me at all.

I trusted you so much. I trusted you more than anyone. You knew all of my secrets. It's taken me so long to trust anyone to that level. And even now I'm still afraid that everyone is using me, that they're just going to leave me, hurt me like you did. You're a huge part of the reason I developed anxiety. I know I shouldn't completely blame you but you really didn't help. I thought you did, I thought you were good for me. But you never cared did you?

I was 15. You were 17. You should have known better. You used my age and inexperience against me. You made me think it was all normal. You made me think it was totally normal to be so sexual so soon. It's got me hurt so many times but never as much as you hurt me. It's one thing to break my heart but to do what you did was wrong. So wrong.

I'm slowly getting over it. Slowly but surely. It's been 2 years now and I still cry whenever I try and do that one thing you wanted. Because it brings back all of the horrible memories of you forcing it on me. I'm still scared of bumping into you in public even though you never did acknowledge my existence. You always just looked straight past me, like I wasn't there.

Do you ever think about it? Because there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't. I'm constantly reminded of it. Of you. It sucks.

Maybe one day I'll get all the answers I need from you and I'll finally be able to fully get over what has happened. But until then I guess I'll just keep going. You haven't killed me yet kid.

Sorry this is so depressing and all over the place, I needed to get it out. I promise I'll be back to some good content soon. I hope this helped at least one person understand.

Thanks for reading. 

Half year review

It's June, which means the year is already half way over. It feels like just yesterday I was writing my New Years resolutions! So now it's time to see how well I'm sticking to them and what else has changed.

The past six months have probably been some of the best and also in some ways the worst I've had in a while. I got all of my hair cut off! That was probably the best decision I've ever made if I'm honest, it has really improved my mood. I went to see patent pending (twice), Melanie Martinez, and I also went to slam dunk where I saw Panic! At The Disco, zebrahead, as it is, and away days. They were all amazing experiences and I can't wait to have more concerts like those. For Melanie I traveled to London for third time although it was my first time actually being able to explore and I really loved it, it's such a beautiful place. I had a few breakdowns but I also feel like my life is getting more on track than it has been in a long time. I got into college and am currently in the process of looking for a new job.

Here's a super cute picture of us at slam dunk!!

I have been sticking to my first New Years resolution (look after myself) very well! My diet is improving greatly and I recently started going to the gym which always makes me feel better about myself. I have also started taking antidepressants which I feel are really helping me with my general mood and anxiety. In order to continue with this I will be further improving my diet and trying to improve my sleep schedule.

My second resolution was to wear Lolita more often which I defiantly feel like I am achieving, especially since my wardrobe is growing so much. Although I haven't had chance to go to any more meets, I have just been wearing it out on dates with the boyfriend.

I have defiantly started getting more organised as I have bought a happiness planner to try and help me when I'm at college. So far I've got all my plans in it, I'm just waiting to actually start college! I plan on using this to both organise myself and help with my positivity.

As for my little resolutions I have started watching more movies and instead of reading more I have started writing more.

That's all for this month. Thank you so much for reading!

A shoutout to my friends

I have had a really bad mental health month this week. I've started writing multiple posts but none of them really got anywhere. Through all the sadness and anxiety this month I have made a pretty great realisation - I have amazing friends. So this ones dedicated to you guys.

Whenever I'm sad, anxious, or just need someone to talk to I know at least one of you, usually all of you, are there on the other end of the phone. You always know how to make me feel better, whether that's with giving amazing advice, sending me pictures of your pets, linking me to YouTube videos of our favourite songs, or even just with memes. I know I can always count on you to be there, day or night.

I've never really been the kinda guy who wants to hang out with their friends, but I've finally made friends I genuinely want to see and it kills me that I've never met half of you. I love going to gigs with you, I love going to the gym with you, I love skyping you and I can't wait to carry on doing that for years to come.

I think I've finally met my forever friends and nothing makes me happier than knowing that. You make me feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I love you all so much.

Thank you for reading, and sorry it's so short and ranbley, I haven't really been in the mood to write. I just wanted you all to know how amazing my friends are. 

Quarter Year Review

It's March and that means we're already a quarter of the way through the year. Isn't that crazy! A quarter of the year has gone by so quick. So this month I have decided to write a little quarter year review, revisiting my New Years resolutions and talking about the changes from last year to now. Enjoy!

I wouldn't say a lot has really changed since my year review but a few things have. I've made new friends, we regularly add new people into the group chat so there is always opportunity to make new friends. I have also rekindled the friendships I lost last year which was lovely as I really missed having those people in my life. I have also booked tickets for Slam Dunk this year to see Panic! At the Disco which should be super fun! I am also going to see Melanie Martinez in London which will be the furthest I've ever traveled for a concert! I have also been to see my doctor this month about my mental health and he has prescribed me some medication to try and help me.

As for New Years resolutions I would say I've got started on quite a few of them, although of course there are ones I've done more than others and ones I haven't started at all.

My first resolution was to look after myself more. I feel like I am slowly beginning to achieve this. I have started regularly eating breakfast and brushing my teeth both morning and night. My self care is slowly improving. I am also going to join the gym soon to try and get fit and feel better about myself.

Another of my resolutions was to attend as many Lolita meets as I can. So for I have managed to attend one and I had a wonderful time! Wearing Lolita out of the house is always a little daunting at first but doing it with friends was absolutely lovely. I haven't been able to attend any more due to having other commitments that require time off work but I will try to get to at least one more this year.

I have also made progress on my resolution to meet my friends! We had a lovely little meet up in Manchester, there were only about 5 of us but I had so much fun hanging out with them all. We also went to a concert (Vukovi) together which was lovely although this time it was only 4 of it but it was super fun! We're planning to meet up once a month although it's difficult since a lot of people's schedules clash.

I love this picture of us from Vukovi.

As for writing a blog post each month, so far so good!

So that's my year so far. Nothing major really but I hope to continue to make it a great one and to carry on improving myself as the year goes on. Thank you for reading!

New Years resolutions

I have made a few resolutions this year. Some relating to me and my mental/physical health, some to Lolita fashion and some general ones. Here's a list of what I want to do and how I plan to do it.

1. Look after myself

This means a lot of things to me. Looking after my body by getting fit, plus my doctor said that going to the gym, or even just jogging is a good way to get rid of extra anxious energy so that's another good reason. I'm also going to try and improve my diet, both for my health and to help me go places with people.

This also means looking after my skin by making use of all of the lovely products I received for Christmas and actually getting a good routine going for myself. I may even try wearing makeup more often as it makes me more confident.

2. Wear Lolita more often

This is quite a difficult one to manage as at the moment I don't really go many places and my wardrobe is quite small, but I plan on wearing Lolita at every opportunity I get, even if it's just on a shopping trip with my boyfriend.

3. Go to more Lolita meets

This is a difficult one due to my job (I work Saturdays) but I plan on going to more meets with my comm. I hope to go every other month if I can!

4. Meet my internet friends

I haven't met around 80% of the people I'm friends with so my goal this year is to meet some of them! I shouldn't really refer to them as "internet friends" because they are just my friends! I just haven't hung out with a lot of them. Some will be easier than others as they live closer but I hope to meet them anyway and go on cute friend dates!

5. Be more organised

I plan to organise things a bit better so I'm not left panicking at the last minute like I have been recently. This includes work, friends, outfits and concerts.

6. Write a blog post each month

This was the original plan for the blog, and now I hope to make it a reality! Even if it's just a short post about a meet I went to or review of a shop I ordered from, I hope to write at least one post a month. So far so good!

I also have some slightly smaller, less life effecting goals I would like to achieve this year, which aren't such a big priority, although it would be nice. These are all pretty self explanatory so I won't bother explaining them.

1. Get a new job

2. Start a YouTube channel

3. Read more

4. Watch more movies

2015

2015 has been a very eventful year for me, so I'm writing this post to look back on the ups and downs. I'm not gonna go into major amounts of detail, it's just going to be a brief look back.

Friendships:

I started this year with a reasonable amount of friends, although I can't say I'm really leaving it with them. (I'm not going to name any names, obviously.)

One of the girls I was pretty close with started talking behind my back and let me down on something I really needed her to be able to go to, although I'm no longer majorly upset with her about this I still haven't had the courage to talk to her to ask if we can make up.

The other girl left after I had a panic attack before meeting up with her so I had to cancel. I have however spoken to her, she says she didn't think I was making the effort. I agree completely, I let my mental illness get in the way. But right now I don't feel like I can be the best friend I could be to her so I don't feel like I can make up with her right now, but maybe some day.

It's not all bad though, I joined an "unofficial" group chat for a band I like called Area 11 and I feel like I've made a lot of really good friends through that, although I've only met a few of them in real life I hope to hang out with them more in the next year.

Events:

My love for concerts got even bigger this year. I discovered tons of new bands and went to see a lot of old ones. One of my favourite bands to see live, Blitz Kids, split and played a really long gig as a lovely send off. Another few of my favourites were Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy and Bleachers.

As well as these gigs I also went to Whitby Goth Weekend for Halloween with my boyfriend. This is a 3 day convention/market type thing with concerts on the Friday and Saturday night. The fearless vampire killers were one of the bands who played on the Friday (who all dressed as Jim Carey which was hilarious) and were really good. We discovered a band called Vince Ripper and the Rodent Show on the Saturday who we thought were really weird and hilarious! Whitby is also a really beautiful lovely place, on the Sunday we walked up to the church and Abbey which was beautiful!

I also attended 2 conventions this year! Manchester MCM comic con for my birthday and Yorkshire cosplay con. I cosplayed Link from the Legend Of Zelda at both, which was really fun! I spent too much money at MCM and met some of the lovely people from the Area11 group chat. At cosplay con I got to meet some of the girls from my local Lolita community and the lovely youtubers Fetsu and Jack. Both events were great fun and I hope to go back next year either in cosplay or Lolita.

Love:

I guess this is also something I started 2015 with, just not as good as I have it now. At the end of 2014 we decided to "pre-commit" meaning we were exclusive and pretty much in a relationship, but not 100% because there were so many factors against us. We started being allowed to meet (him coming to me) in April, just after I got my apprenticeship. We tried to see each other every Sunday as it was the only day I had free. After I quit my apprenticeship I was allowed to go and see him. We went into Liverpool, he took me to build a bear and we made one that looked like him and named it after him. He then took me down to the docks, he told me about how silly he felt that he wasn't in a proper relationship with me. So he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend "for realsies". We locked a lock which he engraved with our initials (using the key) on the fence by the river. He had bought the build a bear so we would have a certificate to remind us of the date we got together. Since then we've done tons of great things like a spontaneous trip to London, playing video games for hours and trying to beat each other at Mario kart, our holiday to Whitby, and even spending Christmas together. Our relationship has progressed so much and I hope it continues into 2016 and even further.

Mental health:

My mental health hasn't been great this year. I've had a lot of panic attacks and just generally a bad time with depression. Although I feel like I'm getting a little bit better, I hope 2016 is easier on me. The Christmas period was especially hard on me, but that was expected as I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend's family who I don't know extremely well, but it did get better.

So in conclusion, my year wasn't all that bad but I hope for 2016 to be even better!