As I'm sure you know, this September I started attending college again. I am currently working towards my Level 3 Animal management 90 credit diploma. And honestly... I hate it. So I apologize but this post is just going to be a rant. I need to get this out.
Five months is a long time to keep trying at something you don't enjoy, especially when everything else around you is changing and you're terrified. I have anxiety and depression and honestly both of these things are being worsened by being here. But sometimes I do feel good when I'm here. I just worry that all of that is over and I'm never going to feel good about this course. I certainly haven't felt it in a while.
Do I hate the course? Or do I just hate college as a whole, the idea of being in a classroom all the time and such? Or is it just my mental illness getting in the way? These are the questions that are keeping me here. I wish I had all of the answers and could just be like everyone else and just get this done. I know I'm smart enough to do the course, but am I well enough for it? Everyone says I can but honestly I'm too tired and too sad to cope.
Work is only making me feel worse. Do I hate my job? I can't tell. I know I hate working nights but I don't think I hate the whole job. I'm so tired from doing 10 and 13 hour days that I find myself disassociating way more than I should be. I mean I shouldn't really do it at all but now I spend a lot of time not even believing any of this is real.
I knew it was going to be hard for me to make friends, lets be honest here I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world. However despite getting on fairly well with everyone I feel like I haven't found my place. Other than that place being the loner. I have friends. Just not ones I feel a major connection with like I do with my other friends. This is fine by me but it's not exactly going towards me staying. I mean, who would miss me? I know I would miss them but I'm not exactly one to stay in contact with people anyway.
Having an operation at the end of this month (February) is not exactly going in favour of me staying either. I will need 6 weeks off to recover. and maybe in that time I will make my mind up on weather I really do want to come back or not. If I make it that far...
Seeing my boyfriend isn't exactly easy either. I have no free time to myself between work and school so it always ends with him coming to me. I'm desperate to go and see him but its almost impossible due to time and anxiety.
But I don't want to give up!!! Not again. Not after giving up on so any things before. I want this to be the thing I finish. I love animals. And then I can do anything I want next year. But who knows what will happen then...
If you made it this far through my messy, unedited rant, thank you. Thank you so much for reading I hope you didn't get too bored.
I don't get as much time as I would like to write these days but I do hope to get back to it. Even if it is just to write messy shit like this.
Thank you.
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
Monday, 26 December 2016
2016 Year Review.
It's that time of year again. Time to look back on my year and reflect on the good, the not so good, and everything in between. This is my second year doing a post like this and I can't wait to share my memories, and how well I stuck to my resolutions with you. As with last year I will be following up with a New years resolutions post for 2017. I hope you enjoy reading! Thank you.
The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.
Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!
Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.
As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.
My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.
Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!
My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.
Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.
Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away. I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.
As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.
My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.
Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!
Want to help me out? Buy me a coffee. This will help me both here and on my review blog.
The biggest change I have gone through in the past 12 months is starting college. After spending the first 9 months of the year working almost full time in the local market I finally decided to go back to college to finish my education. I have to admit, I'm not necessarily enjoying everything that comes with being a full time college student, but that's a whole post on it's own.
Another huge change that happened this year was getting a new job! This was one of my mini new years resolutions, it wasn't a priority until around September when I started college and my boss told me he was selling the business. I could only work at my old job on Saturdays so it was important that I got a new job where I could work more hours and earn more money. I am very very proud of myself for doing this as it took a lot of confidence and working nights is taking a lot of my energy. But I know I can do this!
Over the past year I have found myself being more accepting of who I am. This is partially due to making more friends with the same interests as me. I have become more I touch with my ABDL side and have had lots of fun buying cute ABDL things such as diapers and pacifiers! I had a brief try at being a porn star which I really enjoyed but had to give up for personal reasons. I really enjoy being open about my sexuality, it is a huge part of me and I am so glad that I finally had a chance to show it off and be creative with it.
As for friends I have made a few and lost some although that is the nature of growing up, you lose contact with people. I can't help but feel some people have just stopped talking to me on purpose. But at least I have the amazing friends who will always talk to me no matter what and I appreciate that so much as someone who doesn't always want to be talking and meeting up.
My mental health has been very up and down. My doctor doesn't seem to believe me because there is so much that I just can't bring myself to tell him, he just keeps upping my prescription. Although this month I decided to stop taking my meds and honestly I feel a lot better without them. Will that last? I don't know. I hope so.
Most of the big things I have done this year have already been discussed in my 3 month reviews although I did fall out of the habit of doing that mid year! Meaning that I failed resolution number 6: write a blog post each month!
My first new years resolution was to look after myself better, this is one that I plan on bringing into 2017 with me. I feel like in some ways I have achieved this, for a while i went to the gym at least twice a week and even got into a very good self care routine. But I feel like once I started college my self care too a back seat since i have really fallen out of my routine.
Resolutions 2 and 3 were Lolita related. I definitely have not been wearing Lolita as much as I would have liked and have only managed to make it to one meet this year. I just haven't had the time for meets and haven't had the motivation to get dressed up.
Number 4 was to try and meet more of my friends. I feel like I have achieved this quite well as I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, although I have yet to meet some of the ones who live further away. I really appreciate having such amazing friends who I have so much in common with that means I can spend so much time with them. We hung out at Slam Dunk, Leeds Fest, and went on lots of fun trips to go shopping. I love spending time with my friends and my plan for 2017 will be to meet as many of them as possible.
As for being more organised, I started off well but again, fell out of it when I started college. I am already trying to get back into this ready for the new year as I feel being organised really helps me to not panic as much. I have multiple planners and diaries that I will be using to achieve this.
My mini goals were almost all reached! I got a new job, started to read more, and watched a ton of movies! The only mini goal I did not achieve was starting my YouTube channel, although like I said, this wasn't any kind of priority. My favourite movie I have watched this year is either the conjuring films, or Moana. My favourite book I have read is the current one I am reading which is The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett.
Overall I have had a really good year, I have done things I never thought I would ever do. I can't wait for next year to be even better!
Thank you for reading!
Want to help me out? Buy me a coffee. This will help me both here and on my review blog.
Tuesday, 15 November 2016
Onesies Downunder, ABDL Marketplace, and Little For Big review/comparison
I have been buying a lot of ABDL gear recently and I wanted to review it all. So instead of writing 3 separate reviews, I have decided to write one review and compare the 3. I will be reviewing the onesies from Onesies Downunder, ABDL marketplace, and little for big, and the pacifiers from Onesies Downunder, and Little For Big. All opinions in this post are my own, I paid for all of these products myself and I am not getting paid for writing this review, nor am I affiliated with any of these companies.
The first order I placed was with Onesies Downunder. I purchased the space snap crotch onesie in size medium and the pink adult pacifier. The order took a little while to get here, but that was to be expected considering it came all the way from Australia to England. I had to pay a custom fee when it came to my door which was a little bit annoying but there's nothing they can do about that. It was all packaged very well. The print on the onesie is gorgeous, althouigh not as bright and vivid as it appears in pictures, and the pacifier is super cute. However the onesie is too small for my liking. I bought the size I would usually buy in tshirts but it was a lot tighter than I was expecting, the poppers actually undo when I have a diaper under it. This is my fault though so if I do buy another I will get a bigger size. The pacifier is the perfect size and the teat is nice and firm and fits perfectly in my mouth, although these can really be purchased anywhere so there is really no need for me to have them shipped from the other side of the world. The onesie was £24.15 not including shipping, which was also quite expensive, and conversion fees. I probably wouldn't have paid this price if a similar onesie was available for a lower price and I didn't have 10% off. Overall I don't think I'll order anything from Onesies Downunder again unless I really really want one of their exclusive prints (which is likely haha).
The second order I placed was with ABDL Marketplace. I purchased the woodland creatures snap crotch onesie in large and a dotty the pony diaper (which I will not be reviewing here). The customer service was amazing and the order got to me exceptionally quickly. the packaging was super good, very discrete. The print on the onesie is so adorable and it fits just how I wanted it to, big enough to fit a super thick diaper under it. The poppers are secure and don't come undone when I have a diaper under it. The onesie was £16.99 plus shipping which was also quite cheap. I think this is a very reasonable price. Overall I would have to say this one is my favourite, I will definitely be getting more onesies from them and probably all of my other ABDL things. They're lovely people running a wonderful store.
The final order was with Little For Big. I purchased the Halloween snap crotch onesie in size large and a blue adult pacifier. The customer service was a little odd, after receiving an email saying my order was shipped, I then received one apologising for an error and saying they'd upgraded my shipping to express to ensure the order got to me before Halloween. I asked what the email meant as I hadn't noticed an error but was confused by the reply I got. However I do appreciate them sending the order by express delivery to make sure I got it on time. The order got to me just before Halloween and this time I didn't have to pay custom fees luckily! The print and cut on the onesie is adorable however the sizing is much bigger than that of the other two stores, so it fits very baggy. Although this is not necessarily a problem, just something to bare in mind. The snaps on the onesie are extremely strong, I couldn't manage to get them undone and even my boyfriend struggled, I often just took it off by pulling it down and going through the head hole. This is probably the only issue I have with the onesie since it makes it hard to wear as you can't just undo the snaps to change a diaper. The pacifier is super cute. The teat is the perfect size and is made of a different, softer material than the Onesies Downunder one, making it more fun to chew. The onesie was $32.80 (which is around £26.41) with free shipping. I think this was very expensive although I am glad they offer free shipping as a lot of their products ship from china. Overall I don't think I will be buying another Little For Big onesie unless they change the poppers they use, because for me this really put me off wanting to buy another because of how hard they are to undo.
So in order I think my favourite onesie was the one from ABDL marketplace as it fits just how I wanted it to, the customer service was good, and it was well priced. My second favourite was Onesies Downunder as the customer service was good, and the product was good quality but the price is quite high, especially since the print on the onesie wasn't as bright as expected. My least favourite was Little For Big because of the snaps on the onesie being too hard to undo, the price being very expensive, and the customer service not being the best, although it is a cute onesie.
If you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask! And let me know what you think of the review, do you agree? Or do you completely disagree? Would you like to see more reviews from me? Let me know!
Thank you for reading!
***Edit*** Thank you so much Onesies Downunder and ABDL Marketplace for reading and reblogging this review ***edit***
If you want to read more of my reviews check out my new review blog HERE
The first order I placed was with Onesies Downunder. I purchased the space snap crotch onesie in size medium and the pink adult pacifier. The order took a little while to get here, but that was to be expected considering it came all the way from Australia to England. I had to pay a custom fee when it came to my door which was a little bit annoying but there's nothing they can do about that. It was all packaged very well. The print on the onesie is gorgeous, althouigh not as bright and vivid as it appears in pictures, and the pacifier is super cute. However the onesie is too small for my liking. I bought the size I would usually buy in tshirts but it was a lot tighter than I was expecting, the poppers actually undo when I have a diaper under it. This is my fault though so if I do buy another I will get a bigger size. The pacifier is the perfect size and the teat is nice and firm and fits perfectly in my mouth, although these can really be purchased anywhere so there is really no need for me to have them shipped from the other side of the world. The onesie was £24.15 not including shipping, which was also quite expensive, and conversion fees. I probably wouldn't have paid this price if a similar onesie was available for a lower price and I didn't have 10% off. Overall I don't think I'll order anything from Onesies Downunder again unless I really really want one of their exclusive prints (which is likely haha).
The second order I placed was with ABDL Marketplace. I purchased the woodland creatures snap crotch onesie in large and a dotty the pony diaper (which I will not be reviewing here). The customer service was amazing and the order got to me exceptionally quickly. the packaging was super good, very discrete. The print on the onesie is so adorable and it fits just how I wanted it to, big enough to fit a super thick diaper under it. The poppers are secure and don't come undone when I have a diaper under it. The onesie was £16.99 plus shipping which was also quite cheap. I think this is a very reasonable price. Overall I would have to say this one is my favourite, I will definitely be getting more onesies from them and probably all of my other ABDL things. They're lovely people running a wonderful store.
The final order was with Little For Big. I purchased the Halloween snap crotch onesie in size large and a blue adult pacifier. The customer service was a little odd, after receiving an email saying my order was shipped, I then received one apologising for an error and saying they'd upgraded my shipping to express to ensure the order got to me before Halloween. I asked what the email meant as I hadn't noticed an error but was confused by the reply I got. However I do appreciate them sending the order by express delivery to make sure I got it on time. The order got to me just before Halloween and this time I didn't have to pay custom fees luckily! The print and cut on the onesie is adorable however the sizing is much bigger than that of the other two stores, so it fits very baggy. Although this is not necessarily a problem, just something to bare in mind. The snaps on the onesie are extremely strong, I couldn't manage to get them undone and even my boyfriend struggled, I often just took it off by pulling it down and going through the head hole. This is probably the only issue I have with the onesie since it makes it hard to wear as you can't just undo the snaps to change a diaper. The pacifier is super cute. The teat is the perfect size and is made of a different, softer material than the Onesies Downunder one, making it more fun to chew. The onesie was $32.80 (which is around £26.41) with free shipping. I think this was very expensive although I am glad they offer free shipping as a lot of their products ship from china. Overall I don't think I will be buying another Little For Big onesie unless they change the poppers they use, because for me this really put me off wanting to buy another because of how hard they are to undo.
So in order I think my favourite onesie was the one from ABDL marketplace as it fits just how I wanted it to, the customer service was good, and it was well priced. My second favourite was Onesies Downunder as the customer service was good, and the product was good quality but the price is quite high, especially since the print on the onesie wasn't as bright as expected. My least favourite was Little For Big because of the snaps on the onesie being too hard to undo, the price being very expensive, and the customer service not being the best, although it is a cute onesie.
If you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask! And let me know what you think of the review, do you agree? Or do you completely disagree? Would you like to see more reviews from me? Let me know!
Thank you for reading!
***Edit*** Thank you so much Onesies Downunder and ABDL Marketplace for reading and reblogging this review ***edit***
If you want to read more of my reviews check out my new review blog HERE
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
An open letter to my rapist.
A letter to my rapist (and anyone's else's for that matter)
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Obviously this is going to include a lot of dark stuff so be aware of that if you decide to read this.
I don't actually think I'm ever going to send this to him, I'm writing this to help myself, and other victims to know that there's others who feel the way they do. I know how you feel and I'm always around to talk if you need me. So here it goes...
I guess the first question I have is why? Why me? Why did you do it? Why did you think that was an acceptable thing to do just because I apparently did something wrong? Why did you do it again after you saw how much it hurt me the first time?
I don't think you quite understand how much what you did to me effected me. It took me a very long time to figure out what was normal in a relationship after you treated me as badly as you did. It wasn't even a relationship! You used me and I didn't know any better. I loved you! Did you even have any feelings for me at all? Or was I just another girl you were fucking? You only seemed to ever contact me when you wanted your cock sucking. But I was too stupid to see that. Id had a crush on you all through school and you used that to your advantage. You made me feel so special, like I was the only one you wanted. But you didn't. You didn't want me at all.
I trusted you so much. I trusted you more than anyone. You knew all of my secrets. It's taken me so long to trust anyone to that level. And even now I'm still afraid that everyone is using me, that they're just going to leave me, hurt me like you did. You're a huge part of the reason I developed anxiety. I know I shouldn't completely blame you but you really didn't help. I thought you did, I thought you were good for me. But you never cared did you?
I was 15. You were 17. You should have known better. You used my age and inexperience against me. You made me think it was all normal. You made me think it was totally normal to be so sexual so soon. It's got me hurt so many times but never as much as you hurt me. It's one thing to break my heart but to do what you did was wrong. So wrong.
I'm slowly getting over it. Slowly but surely. It's been 2 years now and I still cry whenever I try and do that one thing you wanted. Because it brings back all of the horrible memories of you forcing it on me. I'm still scared of bumping into you in public even though you never did acknowledge my existence. You always just looked straight past me, like I wasn't there.
Do you ever think about it? Because there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't. I'm constantly reminded of it. Of you. It sucks.
Maybe one day I'll get all the answers I need from you and I'll finally be able to fully get over what has happened. But until then I guess I'll just keep going. You haven't killed me yet kid.
Sorry this is so depressing and all over the place, I needed to get it out. I promise I'll be back to some good content soon. I hope this helped at least one person understand.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Half year review
It's June, which means the year is already half way over. It feels like just yesterday I was writing my New Years resolutions! So now it's time to see how well I'm sticking to them and what else has changed.
Here's a super cute picture of us at slam dunk!!
The past six months have probably been some of the best and also in some ways the worst I've had in a while. I got all of my hair cut off! That was probably the best decision I've ever made if I'm honest, it has really improved my mood. I went to see patent pending (twice), Melanie Martinez, and I also went to slam dunk where I saw Panic! At The Disco, zebrahead, as it is, and away days. They were all amazing experiences and I can't wait to have more concerts like those. For Melanie I traveled to London for third time although it was my first time actually being able to explore and I really loved it, it's such a beautiful place. I had a few breakdowns but I also feel like my life is getting more on track than it has been in a long time. I got into college and am currently in the process of looking for a new job.
I have been sticking to my first New Years resolution (look after myself) very well! My diet is improving greatly and I recently started going to the gym which always makes me feel better about myself. I have also started taking antidepressants which I feel are really helping me with my general mood and anxiety. In order to continue with this I will be further improving my diet and trying to improve my sleep schedule.
My second resolution was to wear Lolita more often which I defiantly feel like I am achieving, especially since my wardrobe is growing so much. Although I haven't had chance to go to any more meets, I have just been wearing it out on dates with the boyfriend.
I have defiantly started getting more organised as I have bought a happiness planner to try and help me when I'm at college. So far I've got all my plans in it, I'm just waiting to actually start college! I plan on using this to both organise myself and help with my positivity.
As for my little resolutions I have started watching more movies and instead of reading more I have started writing more.
That's all for this month. Thank you so much for reading!
Sunday, 22 May 2016
A shoutout to my friends
I have had a really bad mental health month this week. I've started writing multiple posts but none of them really got anywhere. Through all the sadness and anxiety this month I have made a pretty great realisation - I have amazing friends. So this ones dedicated to you guys.
Whenever I'm sad, anxious, or just need someone to talk to I know at least one of you, usually all of you, are there on the other end of the phone. You always know how to make me feel better, whether that's with giving amazing advice, sending me pictures of your pets, linking me to YouTube videos of our favourite songs, or even just with memes. I know I can always count on you to be there, day or night.
I've never really been the kinda guy who wants to hang out with their friends, but I've finally made friends I genuinely want to see and it kills me that I've never met half of you. I love going to gigs with you, I love going to the gym with you, I love skyping you and I can't wait to carry on doing that for years to come.
I think I've finally met my forever friends and nothing makes me happier than knowing that. You make me feel like I finally fit in somewhere. I love you all so much.
Thank you for reading, and sorry it's so short and ranbley, I haven't really been in the mood to write. I just wanted you all to know how amazing my friends are.
Monday, 18 April 2016
A letter for Patent Pending
This is kinda gonna be a bit of a mess if I'm honest, I haven't really planned much past the point of "I'm gonna write a thing". I don't expect them to read this, (but if they do, rad as heck and they will also understand what was going on with me at the gigs) I'm writing this to get it out more than anything. I'm not usually the guy who goes full fangirl and gets emotional over bands, but Patent Pending are one of the few exceptions to this rule and they're certainly the only exception that have made me cry quite as much as they have. If you know the band you probably think I'm crazy for saying that (and if you don't you should defiantly listen to them, they're great.) they're a super upbeat pop punk band whose whole aesthetic is about having fun and being yourself. Although they do have one song that gets me pretty badly. Also I should add a trigger warning for suicide. It gets kinda heavy.
This whole thing started in Leeds last year when I saw them supporting Zebrahead, my boyfriend loves both bands and he's spent most of our relationship getting me into Patent Pending so it was a win for us both when they announced the tour. I was pretty down anyway after losing my friend to cancer a few days before hand so I was crying when they came on. Not long after I'd calmed down they started introducing a song I hadn't listened to before, One Less Heart To Break, a song about suicide and how it's not the way out. As I listened to Joe talk about the song I burst into tears again and as I listened to the lyrics of the song I couldn't stop myself. I related so much to that song. This was about 3 months after my first suicide attempt which was the worst time of my life, and it brought back so many memories of that. The rest of their set was amazing and I ended up having a pretty great night despite everything.
Now fast forward to the beginning of this month (April) my boyfriend once again asks me if I want to see patent pending, I of course say yes and we decide to do Leeds and Manchester (he did a few more but I had other gigs and work so I couldn't). So I start listening to them a bit more to get myself super hyped and One less heart to break comes on, once again I find myself in tears over how much I relate to it. Then Monday before the gigs I had a huge breakdown which resulted in my second suicide attempt. I know I shouldn't have done it but at the time I couldn't see any other way to make all of my problems go away. I won't go into too much h detail though, I don't want this to be too sad.
I was feeling a lot better by the time the first gig (Leeds) came around and by the time the band came on I was super excited. The whole concert was amazing and we had somehow made our way to about 3 rows from the front. Then, as always, as Joe started introducing One less heart to break I found myself bursting into tears again. The whole way through the song I cried my eyes out while trying to sing along, during his speech in the middle of the song Joe pointed it me, obviously noticing I was crying, which made me realise just how much of a connection I had with this band, they get me. I managed to stop crying not long into the next song and really enjoyed the rest of the gig despite being covered in a mix of my own sweat and tears.
The rest of the week went by in a pretty quick blur of work and telling people how great (and sweaty) the gigs was, and soon it was time for round two in Manchester. I'd had a sore throat all day and a few people had asked if I was sure I still wanted to go to the gig, but I wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to see a band I connected with so well. We once again started stood at the back of the venue but between the mosh pits and us just generally jumping a lot we eventually made it to the barrier. This time however they had decided to do their song Spin Me Around (which is a bonus track from their album, Brighter so I wasn't expecting them to do it) I had listened to it quite a bit but up until that moment I hadn't really felt a major connection with it. That was until I started thinking, with my boyfriends arms around me I just started crying thinking about how lucky I was to have found such an amazingly supportive person after having so many toxic, abusive relationships and being raped by the only person I had trusted before now. A few songs later Joe goes into his speech about suicide prevention and right on queue the water works start. A few people give me weird looks but I wasn't embarrassed, this was my song. I felt such a connection with the girl who's story is told in the first verse (even down to the fact that I live in a small town just north of the city) that I didn't care what other people thought about me crying my eyes out at a punk gig. Half way through the song Joe jumped down from the stage to walk along the barrier, as he had done through most of the songs to get people to sing into the mic, and he spots me. I'm crying so much at this point that I can't even sing, but he pulls me closer to him and puts his forehead to mine as he sings, as if to tell me it's all going to be okay. It was the best moment I've ever had at a gig. The person in front of me however was very jealous and spent the rest of the gig making sure his head was directly in front of mine any time Joe came anywhere near us. The second to last song of the gig was Brighter, a song about how everything is going to get better. I have a pretty big connection with this song too but it had never made me cry, until that night. Although I didn't cry quite as much as I had with the other two songs there were still tears trickling down my face as I screamed out the chorus.
Once the band had left the stage the boyfriend and I went to get merch as it was the last date we were going to. When we got to the merch table Joe was stood behind it, getting selfies and selling shirts. We walked over to his side and as soon as he saw me he asked me if I was okay and shook my hand. I just stuttered out a yes as I'm not the best at talking to people. Then we had a pretty hilarious conversation about where I got my shirt from and we left. Me still shaking due to how much I'd cried.
So I guess guys if you're reading this. Thank you. The moments I've spoken about here are truly life changing. You saved my life. Whenever I think I don't deserve to be alive I think of Joe putting his forehead against mine, you are my hero man. Thank you so much for making amazing music that makes me happy to be alive, thank you for such an amazing time at your gigs, heck thank you for making me cry! I promise you, I promise you all, I'll never go away, I won't give you one less heart to break.
Thank you so much for reading.
I'm not gonna be that guy who begs you to send this to the band, but I would be super rad if anyone does. Them reading this would mean the world to me.
And totally check out Patent Pending if you haven't already, I promise it's worth it. I mean they have a song called NSFW (.) (.) which is literally 3 minutes of them singing about sending nudes, how great is that!
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